I havespent months running from the heavy, heavy realisation that I have lost someone I love.
'I am okay' and I will repeat that, stubborn mantra, childhood wish, until it is true.
Sometimes I just lie in bed and hear my heart beat; the bittersweet reassurance that I am still here. And I wait - beating back doubts and insecurities and overwhelming expectations from everyone I know - I seek comfort in the arms of Morpheus.
So, hello, I am alive.
I was struggling, perhaps I still am, but truthfully
Our innocence walked the plank that year. We were no longer children.
One by one, we experienced the inevitable growth into a new world. We were introduced to war and broken hearts. Some built invisible ice castles around their fears, and others grew hearts even colder. Spilt milk did not cause tears, but secondhand smoke did. Adulthood arrived, and there was to be an endless battle between tragedy and beauty, to the point that both would merge and soon everything would be a bit of both. We were all beautiful tragedies, alive and lonely.
Take them then, my curls, and stay a while 'til morning; leave me with blue skies and your boots by the door...
I woke this morning in those moments before dawn; the world still, pale and a thousand shades of blue, that blackbird the only sound. It made me itch for blank notebooks and fresh sheets, steaming tea in the early light and the scent of lilacs and salt on the breeze... Today the sky is white not blue and the wind blows in from the south, whispering in foreign tongues and making promises it will never keep.
As usual I'm surrounded by papers, piled high or pinned to walls, I need to find some order to it, stitch it all together somehow. I always work this way, I leave the narratives strung across my studio walls, catching the light and the breeze until the last possible moment, it's the fear that if I put them in order and hand them over that no one else will see what I see...
The house smells like summer and the lost boys are waiting for me to finish the story but there hasn't been a star in the sky for three days... Today I love blueberry cake for breakfast and those swallows flying home. I love slow food and slow travel, slow days and slower nights. I love, love and all its kindness and loathe bitter words, hurtful and cruel. Today the woman I want to be has long dark hair, she is kindness and bravery and she shares beauty like other women share candy. She can finish that story, she can close her eyes and know his heart and she doesn't ever doubt...
I've been reading inspirational quotes from the amazing Maya Angelou and here just a few that I found to be beautiful.
"A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style"
"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."
"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."
"Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances. "
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. "
"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story..."
"All great achievements require time."
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."
I don’t know exactly what it is about books that enchant me so, but I could spend hours in a book store especially a vintage one just looking at the covers and bindings alone. And the smell....the smell of books. You just can't get that smell and touch of a book with a Kindle.
The obsession doesn’t stop there…reading has always been a favorite past time of mine especially during the summer months. That being said, its probably obvious what my other obsession would be, libraries…in home ones to be exact.
I promised myself years ago that I WOULD have a great in home library that was a place to escape, discover, and imagine. Of course just setting up some bookshelves works just fine too, the idea of a room that is devoted to books, your books, in your own home........
These are not even close to what my “library” looks like but they are visions of what I hope it will one day. thanks for the inspiration!