Saturday, December 31, 2011

The Art of Saturday (or Sunday) Morning

There is something magical about a weekend winter morning. I find that the early hours of the day are steeped in a particular slowness that doesn’t accompany the other seasons. I can sleep in, go for a long walk in the snow to build up some appetite and then move onto my favorite thing: an artful meal.

Our hurried lives don’t often allow us the time to eat “properly”. We tend to see it as another thing to check off the to-do list, instead of a privilege and an opportunity to nurture ourselves both physically and spiritually. And especially when we are cooking for ourselves, we will settle for a fast and pathetic meal of microwave popcorn (admit it, you’ve done it).
Eating is an art, and every meal can be a masterpiece. All it takes is a couple more minutes of dedication and the results are a truly astounding. When I allow myself the time to prepare food well and beautifully, it’s like I’ve just given myself a gift.

Meals that tempt the eyes are more likely to tempt the taste buds. That's why, as a health-conscious cook, it’s important to make nutritious foods look their best. When a meal is appealingly presented, you and your family are more likely to eat and enjoy it - making it easier to stick to a healthful diet.
Creating a beautiful meal doesn’t take a lot of work, just a little know-how. Here are some tips to taking that hum-drum dinner to restaurant worthy fare:

1. Pack as much colour on the plate as you can. There’s nothing inspiring about a plate of all one-colour food, so include a rainbow of vegetables, herbs and spices.

2. Pay attention to form. Experiment with cutting foods into a variety of shapes and sizes. You can cut peppers in elegant strips, festive rings or small triangles. Slice carrots, celery and zucchini on the diagonal for change. You can vary shapes and sizes within a dish as well. For instance, make a fruit salad with melon balls, pineapple chunks, kiwi slices and orange sections.

3. Texture matters. Use long stands of beets, or ribbons of cucumber for added crunch on salad or a swirl of high-quality olive oil for added smoothness in a soup.

4. Add a garnish. Herbs work well, just select one based on the dish’s ingredients. Some of my favorites are cilantro, Italian parsley, fresh basil and mint - these really perk up a meal with their fresh flavours, bright colours and nutritional goodness.

Pictured above is one of my favorite winter breakfasts, rolled oats with a buffet of toppings. I like to stir in wild, frozen blueberries about a minute before serving so they thaw, but don’t overcook. These turn the bland-coloured oats into a deep purple indulgence. Then I arrange sliced apples and chopped nuts on top. The apples are cool and crispy in contrast to the warm, soft oats and the nuts are rich and add crunch. I keep the extra garnishes on the side to add as I go – the whole experience makes me feel special.

Over the next few Saturdays or Sundays, give yourself the chance to create something beautiful with your food to enjoy alone or with friends and family. It may even become a priority…and suddenly life will be full of an unexplained richness that feels like you’ve just won the lottery and tastes like heaven only hopes

Thursday, December 22, 2011

"El Shaddai"

El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai [means "God Almighty, God Almighty"]
El-Elyon na Adonai [means "God in the highest, Oh, Lord"]
Age to age, You're still the same
By the power of the name.
El-Shaddai, El-Shaddai
Erkamka na Adonai [means "We will love You, Oh, Lord"]
We will praise and lift You high

Through Your love
And through the ram,
You saved the son
Of Abraham.
Through the power
Of Your hand,
Turned the sea
Into dry land.
To the outcast
On her knees,
You were the God
Who really sees.
And by Your might,
You set Your children free.

Through the years,
You made it clear,
That the time of Christ
Was near,
Though the people
Couldn't see
What Messiah ought to be.
Though Your Word
Contained the plan,
They just could not understand,
Your most awesome work was done
Though the frailty of Your son.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Mary, Did You Know

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will one day walk on water?
Did you know
That your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
That your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered
Will soon deliver you

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Did you know
That your baby boy will calm a storm with His hand?
Did you know
That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when you kiss your little boy
You've kissed the face of God

Mary, did you know?
The blind will see
The deaf will hear
And the dead will live again
The lame will leap
The dumb will speak
The praises of the Lamb

Mary, did you know
That your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Did you know
That your baby boy will one day rules the nations?
Did you know
That your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding
Is the Great I Am

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Ah, But They Were Very Good Years

When I was 5 years old everything was sugar and spice and everything nice.  Wrapped up in my parents love.  Not a care in the world.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 10 it was endless summers floating into warm by the fire winters all wrapped around magical holidays.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 16 I was learning what it was to be come a young lady.  Crushes to die for, heartaches that could be eased by mother's comforting words (and a dish of chocolate ice cream).  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 18 I learned about innocence lost and found, that childhood was left behind and a new journey about to begin.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 21 life and the world were spread out before me, ready for me to discover all the secrets that they held.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 25 I was fighting for my life.  Literally.  I looked death in the face and I survived.  It was a long battle.  A hard battle.  On me.  On my family.  There were a few times I was not suppose to make it.  But I did.  I survived cancer.  But in doing so I lost a big part of myself.  Of who I was in this battle.   Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 31 I was beginning to figure out who I was again.  Where I fit in.  Ah, but they were very good years.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 36 I was still figuring out why I survived.  I also was missing out on what everyone else had:  a home, husband, children.  I had to learn to live with the knowledge that this would never be a part of my life.
Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 40 I was coming to terms with the notion that I would never marry.  Life was good.  Things were going well.  Ah, they were very good years.

When I was 44 I fell in love for the first time.  I got married.  I moved away.  I started a new life.  Scary but exciting.  Ah, they were very good years.

When I was 52 I fell in love for the second time in my life.  I also had my first real heartbreak. One I will never forget. And one heals with time (and chocolate ice cream). I also had the first major loss of my life.  My mother had recently passed.  Ah, but they were very good years.

When I was 53 two more devastating losses in my life.  My father passed away.  Then four months later my husband passed away.  Devastating year.  Ah, but they were very good years.

Now I am 54, the holidays are upon us.  I will be alone this Christmas.  It will be hard.  I do not look forward to having two days off (week-ends) for it the silence is deafening.  So I am really not looking forward to 4 days off.  But I will get through.  Just as I have in the past.  Just as I will in the future.
And as I reflect back on my life, I can only say, with tear filled eyes, but a joyful heart.......Ah, But They Were Very Good Years.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Happy Anniversary to me......I miss that single carnation

Today would have been my 10th wedding anniversary.  I was married December 14 2001 in Savannah Missouri at the old courthouse. 

Today I am really feeling the loss of my husband.  His passing has been hard.  But with each day that goes by the pain eases, the tears don't flow as much.  But today, today is hard.

We have done the romantic rustic cabin getaways to celebrate.  We have gone out to dinner to celebrate.  We have done funny things to celebrate.  I miss the funny things most.   The little funny stuffed animals left for me in cupboards or closets.  Dressing the "kids" (kitties) up in funny hats with "happy anniversary" written on them.  So many things.  I miss it.  I miss him. 

The very first day we went out he brought me a single carnation.  Every Dec 14th he would bring me a single carnation.  He has given me roses before.  But that single carnation is what I miss.  Not really a good day today. 

I miss that single carnation.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Closing My Heart and Throwing Away the Key

This week-end I got to catch up with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  We talked about the losses that I have been through these past few months.  The passing of both parents, the end of my marriage, and the sudden passing of my husband.  We talked of other things and other people that came and went in my life throughout this.  And as we talked about all of these things, she said that she could, yes, sense the pain of loss, but that she sensed something else.  She senses that I was closing down, shutting people out.  Not letting anybody in.  I had closed up my heart.

After we hung-up, I thought about what she said.  And yes, I agree with her.  In fact, I had shut down a long time ago.  Closed off my heart and threw away key.  I just didn't want to admit it.  Everything just caved in on me.  I did not want to feel anything.  Ever.  Three very painful losses in a row for me.  The beginning of the end of 10 year marriage.  The loss of my self-esteem. The destruction of my pride.  I have gone through all of this in these many months that have passed.  Each one coming in like waves.  Pulling me down further into the abyss each time one hits. 

First, there was the end of my marriage.  Not wanting to give up, but the problems could never be worked out.  This affected my health to the point there were a couple of hospital stays to get myself healthy again.  Then the loss of my mother.  Not unexpected, but a blow none the less.  Then I let some one get close to me.  Maybe too close.  Too close to my heart.  This is where I lost my self-worth, my pride.  Who I had become.  Then the loss of my father.  He just did not want to go on without my mother.  Again, not unexpected, but again a blow that was hard to recover from.  And then, the most tragic loss.  That of my husband.  So unexpcted, so painful.  Even though we were still married, we were not man and wife.  Hadn't been for awhile.  He was there for me with my Mom and Dad.  To wake up one day and find that he had a massive stroke. And with in 4 days they tell me he has no brain function and I must make the decision to remove his breathing tube.

All of this has so overwhelmed me.  Yes.  I have shut down.  Closed off my heart.  My feelings.  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  I don't want to feel anything.  Not even love.  I know I would not survive if I had to go through these emotion again.  I'm not sure I can survive them now.  Maybe if it all hadn't happened all together.  All at once.  Maybe if it was spread out more.  I would be able to what....go on....I am going on.  I get up each day......I do what I have to do.

I've just closed my heart and threw away the key.  That's all.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

I Would Like to Watch You Sleeping

I would like to watch you sleeping,
which may not happen.
I would like to watch you,
sleeping. I would like to sleep
with you, to enter
your sleep as its smooth dark wave
slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent
wavering forest of bluegreen leaves
with its watery sun & three moons
towards the cave where you must descend,
towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver
branch, the small white flower, the one
word that will protect you
from the grief at the center
of your dream, from the grief
at the center. I would like to follow
you up the long stairway
again & become
the boat that would row you back
carefully, a flame
in two cupped hands
to where your body lies
beside me, and you enter
it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary.

- Margaret Atwood, “Variation on the Word Sleep”

Thursday, November 24, 2011

What Am I Thankful For......

Well these last two years have been tough.  No, yes, tough and painful.

What am I thankful for.....I am thankful to have had 10 years of marriage to a man, the first time I laid eyes on him I said I was going to marry him.  I did, four months after we met.  The last year of our marriage before he passed away, was very difficult.  We had differences that we could not work out.  But I would not do anything differently.  I would do it all over again.  In a heartbeat.  I am thankful that I had this time with him.

I am thankful for my brother.  Who has been there for me.  We haver our differences.  But he was there.

I am thankful to have had a cat (yest a cat) for those months just after my husband passed away.  He was my constant companion, my pillow to cry on, the only reason I looked forward to coming home in the evening.

I am thankful for my friends, my co-conspirators at work.  Without these women, I would not have made it.  They understood when in the middle of the day, tears would come out of the blue. 

I am thankful for an herbal shower (yes!) where I can (even today) cry and cry and cry.  The herbs and the hot water seem so cathartic.

I am thankful for finding old classmates and and renewing those friendships.

I am thankful for knowing someone, who, well let's just say, is the other half of my soul.  Someone I care deeply for.  Someone I carry deep inside of my heart.  I would like to think that if we had been given the chance, it would have been pure magic  There are those we love.  And then there are those that we love, deeply, endlessly for all time, throughout the ages.  This man is that love.

I am thankful for being who I am.  I am thankful for the pain, yes the pain, that I have had to go through.  For without that pain I would not be who I am or where I'm at in my life right now.

I am thankful for my God, for without Him, I don't know where I would be.  Thank You.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

By the Light of a Blue Lamp

Hello, my dear one
It seems our paths have crossed once again.
The last time together seems so long ago,
So many worlds away from now.
And yet, not that long ago.

We parted, my dear one, on not the best of terms.
Both of us wounding the other deeply.
I thought that I had put you out of my mind, my heart.
And yet, like the mist that rolls in over the hills,
You have slowly drifted back in.

My dear one,
I write this by the light of a blue lamp
The meloncholy blue
 that floats around me when I think of you.
That meloncholy blue of what if, what could have been.

I want to wish upon stars for your kiss,
I want to whisper your name to the shadows at midnight,
I want to cry out to the moon for your touch upon me,
I want to.....I want to.......
My dear one, I want to know you again.

By the light of a blue lamp,
This meloncholy blue lamp, I write these words
Hoping they find their way to you
My dear one, I am so deeply sorry
I am so deeply sorry for the pain I  have caused you

I am sorry for not being who or what you wanted
I am sorry for words said in pain and anger
I am sorry for never having the chance
To show you how much you mean to me

My dear one, I write this to you
These words are all I have
Please forgive this scribe
For putting down these words
By the light of a blue lamp.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

"Witchy Woman"

Raven hair and ruby lips
sparks fly from her finger tips
Echoed voices in the night
she's a restless spirit on an endless flight
wooo hooo witchy woman, see how
high she flies
woo hoo witchy woman she got
the moon in her eye
She held me spellbound in the night
dancing shadows and firelight
crazy laughter in another
room and she drove herself to madness
with a silver spoon
woo hoo witchy woman see how high she flies
woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye
Well I know you want a lover,
let me tell your brother, she's been sleeping
in the Devil's bed.
And there's some rumors going round
someone's underground
she can rock you in the nighttime
'til your skin turns red
woo hoo witchy woman
see how high she flies
woo hoo witchy woman
she got the moon in her eye

Friday, September 30, 2011

These are a few things I know about me:

I love to dance in the moonlight.
I love to dance in the rain.
I like ice cold root beer on a hot summer night
I like Darjeeling tea
I like hot chocolate on a cold winter night
I prefer Fall to Summer
I love to hear the sound of, and see geese flying overhead
I love fog
I prefer night to day
I love snowy owls
I like to cuddle with the one I love
I like a man with deep intelligence and a little sarcastic wit
I have a thing for blue eyes
I have a thing for men in uniform ( preferably military)
I have a thing for an Irish accent
Chinese or Italian food? Chinese
Italian or Mexican food? Italian
I love the sound of a wolf's howl.
I love the purr of a cat.
I like the unconditional love of a dog
I prefer the written word
I prefer a book over a Kindle
If I could, I would travel the world
I love a good mystery
I am as curious as a cat
I am sometimes as mysterious as a cat
I worry too much
I feel things deeply (sometimes too deeply)
I can be a perfectionist at work
I sometimes like being alone
I sometimes can't stand being alone
I don't swim
I love the sound of water
I love being around water.
I don't drink, except for a glass of wine on occasion, and even rarer margarita if out with the girls
I don't smoke, never have
I don't do drugs, never have
I like antiques and vintage items
I love music
I love art
I love photography
I am a quiet person, but will open up once I get to know someone
I like someone who can make me laugh, really laugh
I cry very easily ( even at sappy commercials)
I like to cook
I like to play Scrabble
I play way to much Solitaire
I am a Spiritual person
I can sit for hours an look at the night sky and ponder many things
......I like someone who can make me laugh, really laugh........

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a girl, who lived in the land of dreams unreal.

Once upon time her hopes had diedm no one left to hear her futile cry. No place left to hide.

Once upon a dream a man would come and give her everything she wants and loves. But in the morning she’ll awake and bitterness will surround her.

Once upon a time Cinderella said to Snow White “How did love get so off course. All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse. Ride me off into the sunset. Baby I’m forever yours.

Once Upon A Time……..

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Conversation with, Letter to God

I pray to God everyday. God and I have conversations.  He's a good Listener.  And his advice/answers/responses are, shall we say, on the money.  But sometimes, I feel if I put down in writing, what I wish to say, it's out there, floating around in the infinite unknown, and know I really need some guidance (not that He doesn't know that already).  Call it a letter to God.

So God, I am so tired.  Tired of feeling lost, alone, hidden, abandoned.  I have placed these feeling upon myself, not You. 

I am lost because the people that I would turn to for support (besides You) through this are gone.  They joined You in your Beautiful Home. 

I am alone and hidden because I have pulled within myself away from people.  To get close to people means that I will get hurt.  I don't want to get hurt again.  And yet, I want to get out of this house, have fun again, meet people, move on.  And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way.  I should not want to get out, have fun.  I am in mourning.  How long do I have to mourn until it's OK to move on? 

I feel abandoned.  This one, this one is all the others rolled up and tied with a bow.  I feel abandoned because I am lost, alone, hidden.  I need another living, breathing person to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with, to be happy with, to be sad with.  The one person I had that with, for the good or bad we went through, the arguing we did, that one person is gone.  That one person I realize, let me let loos all my emotions on, no matter what came up.  I do not have that anymore. 

Yes, I have friends.  But with friends, you put on a brave face and let them see that you are getting through this, moving on,  being brave.  You don't let them see the underside, the emotional wreck you've become.  It's not a pretty sight.  One you don't want your friend to see.  One they don't really want to see either.

I am not really asking for anything God.  Just wanted to lay down this heavy load that I carry.  My mother always said You were the one that would help carry the load  when I couldn't do it anymore by myself.  Even though she's with You now, I still listen to my mother.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Emotions of Grief

It is not often that I talk to others about my grief, let alone write about it, but there are times when I need to let out what I hold inside.  Today is one of those days.  I have gone through all the emotions of grief at least once, if not twice in these past months.  Fear, denial, sadness, hopelessness.  These have been my constant companions.  My silent companions. 

Today anger moved in.

I am angry.  Angry at hime for leaving so utterly alone.  Angry at him for not taking care of himself.  Angry at him for leaving me to handle all of the problems.  Angry at him for making me make the decision to turn off the ventilator.

I am angry at myself. 

Angry at myself for feeling angry at him.  Angry at myself for not feeling like I can go another step.  Angry at myself for not noticing the signs.  Angry for not pushing him to take care of himself.  Angry for the continuous arguments that we had prior to his death.  Angry at myself for making the decision to turn off the ventilator.
Angry at myself for being tired, not sleeping, not eating, crying, laughing, having a good day, having a bad day. 

I am angry at myself for surviving.

Sometimes I don't want to feel anything.  But I know that if I don't feel these emotions.  Go through these emotions.  I will not heal.  I will not move forward.  I will not survive.

And so, I let these emotions wash over me.  I feel each and every one of them.  As many times as it takes.  As many tears as I can cry. To move forward.  To heal.  To survive.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Passport To My Heart

In my life, I believe it is very important to pay attention to the things I find myself continuously drawn to. When something keeps tapping at my shoulder, whether it be a place, a photo, a book, a person, a movie, a
song, an activity ~ I believe there is a reason why. Perhaps that tug is leading me to a big or small piece to my journey, a place I have yet to explore, or need to understand. Maybe it is part of the map leading me to
a connection my soul has been begging for. Or maybe that tap is helping me to discover more beauty to fill my heart.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Am A Child of the Moon and the Stars

Fortune Teller can you see,
What my future's going to be
You can see it all in your crystal ball, tell me,
Tell me, tell me,
What you see.
I went to the Fortune Teller the other day.  I needed to get out of the house.  Have some fun.  Not expecting anything.  Not seeking anything.  Just wanted out of my self-inflicted exile.
The room was cheery and cozy.  Not at all what I expected.  The Fortune Teller was an older woman,  Still beautiful.  Dark hair with glints of gray.  Laughing dark eyes. She told me to sit and asked what could she do for me today.  All I told her was that I was just looking for a way to pass the afternoon.  Nothing more.  She said that was fine, and she pulled out her Tarot cards.  We sat in silence as she shuffled and spread them out on the table.  She then began to read the cards.  She told me the usual things that one always expects when getting your fortune told.  Good luck, bad luck, lucky in love, unlucky in love, new job, new home. etc.
It was just what I had expected.  A pleasant and fun way to pass the afternoon.  When she was done and I paid my small fee and thanked her, I stood up to leave and she followed me to the door.  at this point she took my hand in hers and said to me: 
                   "You are a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Born under a Water Sign.  In the Eleventh House.
Upheaval has been lurking in your life for so long now, you feel lost.  You have closed off.  Shut down.  You don't or won't let anyone in.  You've rebuilt that wall around you and your heart you had once torn down.
That door is closing.  A new one is opening.  Old is leaving.  New is coming.  Some doors you thought were closed will open back up.  Be willing to let this happen.  You may be surprised at what that door has behind it.  That wall uou built will crumble.  It is beginning to crumble.  You are a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Trust in them to protect you and to guide you.  Life will return, is returnng to your soul.  Let it come.  Welcome it."
I left there breathless.  I never told her about anything that I have been through this past year and half, and yet in these parting words to me, she summed up how I felt, how I was feeling, how I wanted to feel.  I went home and that night I was restless.  I paced the floor.  I was like a caged wild animal.  I needed to get outside.  So, at around 1:30 am  I stepped out onto my patio.  The night was hot, humid, but it felt wonderful to be outside.The walls of my apartment were closing in on me.  I looked up into the night sky.  There is was.  The most beautiful Full Moon I have ever seen.  And stars.  Stars just seem to fill the sky.  And I knew.  The Fortune Teller was right.  I believe things are going to get better.  I look forward to whatever new doors (or old) open up.
I am a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Born under a Water Sign in the Eleventh House. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

On-Line with God

Siting here at the Nameless, sun streaming in the windows, chatting with God on the laptop, love wordlessly pointing out how sweet the music is, how exquisitely enchanting the light. As the sun caresses the table it brings out the deep red and gold hues in the wood. How many conversations at this table? How many cups of coffee or tea? How many stories? I watch the light move slowly across the room. The pace is slow here at the Nameless this morning. Relaxed. The atmosphere settled. Sunday morning, but really, in here, it feels like eternity - a sweet, settled eternity. Everyone here is finding their way, in their own time and season. While they patiently wait for God, they drink coffee and tea. The waitress brings plates of warm goodies. When things settle, an easy loving-kindness emerges. I look around and find nothing sacred. Then again, there is nothing ordinary here either.

God just popped up! Since I had a good connection, I took the liberty of asking that ageless question, "Who or what are you?" The Beloved's reply: "I don't know."

I wrote back, "I knew it!" and we both had a good laugh at my choice of words.

Then, silence. You know, that still, silent, warm Presence that is so...

... Beloved

Monday, July 25, 2011

On Fear, Trust and Learning to Fly

I turned around today and saw the past year slipping off into the distance. Last year at this time I had just lost my father. I was emerging from a very difficult and dark time in my life and finally making peace with the loss of my mother the year before.  I was beginning to make a move that I'd longed for for awhile. It wasn't ideal; but it was my decision, and I was beginning to feel good about the decision.  Who knew that in just three short months, I would suddenly lose my husband also.

Suddenly it's a  full year later and I feel a little frazzled, a little edgy, a little on the verge, if you know what I mean. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm okay right where I am for the moment. I am here and I have a roof over my head, and life, well life is my oyster again. I'm grateful for all these things,

I lost so much a year and half ago. I lost my mother, my father, and my husband. I also lost all confidence in myself. Truly. All of it. I felt utterly alone and desolate. This has been a year and half of trying again. And again. Much good has come of it. I still feel the losses daily, but I make myself try harder. It's an old cliche about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, but cliches are born from truths worth repeating.

This apartment has sheltered me while I've reinvented my life. In my heart that makes it the best of homes. And when I feel afraid of failing again, which I do almost daily, I look out the patio door. There's that flightless (for the moment) baby bird, making its way across the roofline, guided by its mother, but trusting in its own two feet.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Love Paris

A love affair that has been going on for quite awhile now.......oh how I love Paris................
I love Paris in the spring time,
I love Paris in the fall,
I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles,
I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles,

I love Paris every moment
Every moment of the year
I love Paris, why oh why do I love Paris
Because my love is near.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Fortune Teller

Went to the fortune teller
To have my fortune read
I didn't what to tell her
I had a dizzy feeling in my head

Said she'd take a look at my palm
Said "Son do you feel kind of warm?"
And she looked into her crystal ball
Said "You're in love."

Said it could not be so,
Not with all the girls I know.
Said when the next one arrives
Looking into her eyes.

I left there in a hurry
Much to my big surprise
The next thing I discovered
The fortune teller told me lies

So I ran back to that woman
Mad as I could be
Told her I didn't see nobody
How she made a fool out of me

At last something shook me
As if it came down from above
And now the fortune teller
And I fell in love

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ain’t We Got Fun

Here's a little ditty that I think fits in fine in these times just as it did back then:

Every morning Every evening
Ain’t we got fun
Not much money Oh but honey
Ain’t We Got Fun

The rent’s unpaid dear
We have’nt a bus
But smiles were made dear
For people like us

In the winter In the summer
Don’t we have fun
Times are bum and getting bummer
Still we have fun

There’s nothing surer
The rich get rich and the poor get children
In the meantime In between time
Ain’t we got fun

Every morning Every evening
Don’t we got fun
They've cut my wages
Income tax will be so much smaller
When I'm paid off
I'll be laid off
Ain't we got fun

Landlords mad and getting madder
Ain’t we got fun
Times are bad and getting badder
Still we have fun

There’s nothing surer
The rich get rich and the poor get laid off
In the meantime In between time
Ain’t we got fun

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Train Long Gone

Gone -
Well I hate how that word rattles all around in this room

Alone -
Well his memory's so strong I can sweep it up with a broom

Tears -
If I shed any more I'm afraid they might wear out my face

Clear -
Yes it's clear to me now that his love can never be replaced

Because, love may be gone but never forgotten
His memory won't leave you alone
And the, train may be long gone from the station
But you, still hear the whistle moan
Still hear the whistle moan

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear Diary......Dark Moon

The new moon has arrived once again, marking the passing of time. With this comes the desire, once again, to strike out and try something new. I just don’t know what that new thing should be. I haven’t had the time or patience to sit and start work on something that has been spinning in my head for a time, fiction spun from places and experiences close to me. It seems the interruptions of life are too strong at present, and I wonder when, if ever, they will allow me the time to travel down that road.

Impatience is something I have had to work with throughout my life, not waiting well for things that seem now to test me and ask me to wait even longer. Perhaps this is my “lesson” for this life, patience. Some days are easier than others, some spent content with the cares of everyday life knowing one day it will all come to me. Others are spent searching for the things that continue to elude me, wondering if this is all there is. Certainly the beauty of the day is something to hold and the sunlight on the meadow and the stars in the sky keep me thankful for each moment I am given.

Tonight I think I will try and journey with this new moon. Often we see the most when the moon hides her face from us, the darkness revealing her secrets to us. Until then I will listen to the quiet patter of the rain and work my way through the list of things that sit waiting for me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

It is so very, very hard to enjoy anthing.......

It is so very, very hard to enjoy anything right now.  Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  Nothing.  I feel nothing but emptiness.  Loneliness.  Sorrow.  I try very hard not to cry, but sometimes, sometimes the tears just come............It's been 1 year 8 months since my mother passed away, 1 year sine my father passed away and 9 months since my husband passed away.  So much loss in such a short time, I do not know how I even make it out of bed each day. 

Week-ends are hard, but I know they only last two days and then I can go back to work.  But a holiday like this one, where I have four days off.....this is a killer for me.  Memories come and all I want to do is not remember.

When will it not be so very, very hard...........When?!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

‘I Know Where I’m Going!’

Knowing my love for all things Scotland, I look for things that nurture this love. I discovered this movie the other night. I’d never seen (or heard of, to be honest). What a pleasure — on many levels. This is the tale of a headstrong young woman, Joan Webster, flawlessly played by Dame Wendy Hiller, who knows from childhood exactly what she wants from life and how to achieve it. As the film begins, she tells her father over dinner that she is going on a trip to the Hebrides, where she is to be married on a remote island to an older, enormously wealthy industrialist. This is news to poor old Dad, who sputters, “You can’t marry Consolidated Chemical Industries!” to which she blithely replies, “Can’t I?” So off she goes on her perfectly arranged trip in a perfectly arranged train compartment with her perfectly packed luggage — including her bridal gown.

She arrives on the Isle of Mull to take a ferry to the island where the ceremony will take place. And then the plans go awry. A gale wind arises, preventing the ferry from coming, and she is stuck on the rustic island. She meets the engaging Torquil MacNeil (the delightful Robert Livesey), a local laird who watches out for her, to her slightly amused disinterest. He shows her about Mull, introducing her to some of the people and their simple way of life, noting, in response to one of her observations, that they aren’t poor; they “just don’t have any money” — not at all like the man of her dreams (or schemes).

Determined to reach the wedding island despite the weather, she persuades a young man to take her, heedless of the risks, which include skirting an enormous marine whirlpool. MacNeil insists on going. Of course the weather gets worse, of course they are almost wrecked in the whirlpool. And yes, she throws over her original plan and stays to marry MacNeil.

It sounds so predictable. But it is utterly engaging, beautifully photographed, rich with the scenes of the incomparable Hebrides, which are glorious even in black and white (Michael Powell and his partner Emeric Pressburger made the film in 1945, when there was a shortage of Technicolor stock), and so appealing in its ability to shatter the certainty with which the young Joan sallies forth.

Don’t we all so often set out with certainty when we embark on a journey, tickets and itineraries in hand, passports stamped, heads as full of expectations as our luggage is full of clothes? And yet, just as often, we experience sights, people and events that we could not have anticipated and that can become the most treasured memories of a trip. I love this movie because it captures that possibility, not just in the boundaries of a single trip, but within the very horizons of our lives.

I look forward to watching this enchanting movie again.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Shhhhhh... Do You Hear It?

They're warming up...

I think the concert is about to start!


Saturday, June 25, 2011

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore..."

--Edgar Allen Poe, The Raven

Friday, June 24, 2011

I take
armfuls of butterfly memories to keep me warm,
but I fear: I cannot hold on
swallowtails, monarchs, birdwings:
a flood of colour fills the air
la fin n'a pas de fin
(the end has no end).

Farewell, the evening shadows are arriving -
you, you, you translucent, intangible,
I crave you, but -
the darkness
and ghosts
here, again.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

There are crevices in her heart - filled with the dust of aging knowledge;
plethoric with words too heavy to crawl across her skin at night.
'I have become imbued with symbolic meaning,' she cried,
'Hark! I am but a hastily-drawn portrait of the human condition -'

And the moon offered no comfort, for it was truth
life had endowed her the fragility of human spirit
and left her weeping in despair, if that:
glass bones and cobwebbed hair
left her esoteric (understood by few)
with only feathered friends (who flew away anyway).

And time was wasted so eloquently;
the sun was silk
the night was velvet
so she spun dresses of both, and swallowed the needle
to disappear completely.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I havespent months running from the heavy, heavy realisation that I have lost someone I love.

'I am okay' and I will repeat that, stubborn mantra, childhood wish, until it is true.

Sometimes I just lie in bed and hear my heart beat; the bittersweet reassurance that I am still here. And I wait - beating back doubts and insecurities and overwhelming expectations from everyone I know - I seek comfort in the arms of Morpheus.

So, hello, I am alive.

I was struggling, perhaps I still am, but truthfully

I am too tired these days to put up a fight.

I need to remember all I have and all I know:

those I love, and where I'll go.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Dear Diary

Our innocence walked the plank that year. We were no longer children.

One by one, we experienced the inevitable growth into a new world. We were introduced to war and broken hearts. Some built invisible ice castles around their fears, and others grew hearts even colder. Spilt milk did not cause tears, but secondhand smoke did. Adulthood arrived, and there was to be an endless battle between tragedy and beauty, to the point that both would merge and soon everything would be a bit of both. We were all beautiful tragedies, alive and lonely.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Lilac Nights and Days

Take them then, my curls, and stay a while 'til morning; leave me with blue skies and your boots by the door...

I woke this morning in those moments before dawn; the world still, pale and a thousand shades of blue, that blackbird the only sound. It made me itch for blank notebooks and fresh sheets, steaming tea in the early light and the scent of lilacs and salt on the breeze... Today the sky is white not blue and the wind blows in from the south, whispering in foreign tongues and making promises it will never keep.

As usual I'm surrounded by papers, piled high or pinned to walls, I need to find some order to it, stitch it all together somehow. I always work this way, I leave the narratives strung across my studio walls, catching the light and the breeze until the last possible moment, it's the fear that if I put them in order and hand them over that no one else will see what I see...

 The house smells like summer and the lost boys are waiting for me to finish the story but there hasn't been a star in the sky for three days... Today I love blueberry cake for breakfast and those swallows flying home. I love slow food and slow travel, slow days and slower nights. I love, love and all its kindness and loathe bitter words, hurtful and cruel. Today the woman I want to be has long dark hair, she is kindness and bravery and she shares beauty like other women share candy. She can finish that story, she can close her eyes and know his heart and she doesn't ever doubt...

Sunday, June 12, 2011


I've been reading inspirational quotes from the amazing Maya Angelou and here just a few that I found to be beautiful.

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God, that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her."

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

"My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style"

"Be a rainbow in someone else's cloud."

"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."

"Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances. "

"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. "

"If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."

"The problem I have with haters is that they see my glory, but they don't know my story..."
"All great achievements require time."

"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better."

-Maya Angelou

Sunday, June 5, 2011

An Open Book

I don’t know exactly what it is about books that enchant me so, but I could spend hours in a book store especially a vintage one just looking at the covers and bindings alone. And the smell....the smell of books.  You just can't get that smell and touch of a book with a Kindle.

The obsession doesn’t stop there…reading has always been a favorite past time of mine especially during the summer months. That being said, its probably obvious what my other obsession would be, libraries…in home ones to be exact.

I promised myself years ago that I WOULD have a great in home library that was a place to escape, discover, and imagine. Of course just setting up some bookshelves works just fine too, the idea of a room that is devoted to books, your books, in your own home........

These are not even close to what my “library” looks like but they are visions of what I hope it will one day. thanks for the inspiration!