Saturday, August 20, 2011
Conversation with, Letter to God
So God, I am so tired. Tired of feeling lost, alone, hidden, abandoned. I have placed these feeling upon myself, not You.
I am lost because the people that I would turn to for support (besides You) through this are gone. They joined You in your Beautiful Home.
I am alone and hidden because I have pulled within myself away from people. To get close to people means that I will get hurt. I don't want to get hurt again. And yet, I want to get out of this house, have fun again, meet people, move on. And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way. I should not want to get out, have fun. I am in mourning. How long do I have to mourn until it's OK to move on?
I feel abandoned. This one, this one is all the others rolled up and tied with a bow. I feel abandoned because I am lost, alone, hidden. I need another living, breathing person to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with, to be happy with, to be sad with. The one person I had that with, for the good or bad we went through, the arguing we did, that one person is gone. That one person I realize, let me let loos all my emotions on, no matter what came up. I do not have that anymore.
Yes, I have friends. But with friends, you put on a brave face and let them see that you are getting through this, moving on, being brave. You don't let them see the underside, the emotional wreck you've become. It's not a pretty sight. One you don't want your friend to see. One they don't really want to see either.
I am not really asking for anything God. Just wanted to lay down this heavy load that I carry. My mother always said You were the one that would help carry the load when I couldn't do it anymore by myself. Even though she's with You now, I still listen to my mother.
Posted by Jan at 5:09 PM