Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Emotions of Grief

It is not often that I talk to others about my grief, let alone write about it, but there are times when I need to let out what I hold inside.  Today is one of those days.  I have gone through all the emotions of grief at least once, if not twice in these past months.  Fear, denial, sadness, hopelessness.  These have been my constant companions.  My silent companions. 

Today anger moved in.

I am angry.  Angry at hime for leaving so utterly alone.  Angry at him for not taking care of himself.  Angry at him for leaving me to handle all of the problems.  Angry at him for making me make the decision to turn off the ventilator.

I am angry at myself. 

Angry at myself for feeling angry at him.  Angry at myself for not feeling like I can go another step.  Angry at myself for not noticing the signs.  Angry for not pushing him to take care of himself.  Angry for the continuous arguments that we had prior to his death.  Angry at myself for making the decision to turn off the ventilator.
Angry at myself for being tired, not sleeping, not eating, crying, laughing, having a good day, having a bad day. 

I am angry at myself for surviving.

Sometimes I don't want to feel anything.  But I know that if I don't feel these emotions.  Go through these emotions.  I will not heal.  I will not move forward.  I will not survive.

And so, I let these emotions wash over me.  I feel each and every one of them.  As many times as it takes.  As many tears as I can cry. To move forward.  To heal.  To survive.

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