Friday, July 29, 2011

Passport To My Heart

In my life, I believe it is very important to pay attention to the things I find myself continuously drawn to. When something keeps tapping at my shoulder, whether it be a place, a photo, a book, a person, a movie, a
song, an activity ~ I believe there is a reason why. Perhaps that tug is leading me to a big or small piece to my journey, a place I have yet to explore, or need to understand. Maybe it is part of the map leading me to
a connection my soul has been begging for. Or maybe that tap is helping me to discover more beauty to fill my heart.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I Am A Child of the Moon and the Stars

Fortune Teller can you see,
What my future's going to be
You can see it all in your crystal ball, tell me,
Tell me, tell me,
What you see.
I went to the Fortune Teller the other day.  I needed to get out of the house.  Have some fun.  Not expecting anything.  Not seeking anything.  Just wanted out of my self-inflicted exile.
The room was cheery and cozy.  Not at all what I expected.  The Fortune Teller was an older woman,  Still beautiful.  Dark hair with glints of gray.  Laughing dark eyes. She told me to sit and asked what could she do for me today.  All I told her was that I was just looking for a way to pass the afternoon.  Nothing more.  She said that was fine, and she pulled out her Tarot cards.  We sat in silence as she shuffled and spread them out on the table.  She then began to read the cards.  She told me the usual things that one always expects when getting your fortune told.  Good luck, bad luck, lucky in love, unlucky in love, new job, new home. etc.
It was just what I had expected.  A pleasant and fun way to pass the afternoon.  When she was done and I paid my small fee and thanked her, I stood up to leave and she followed me to the door.  at this point she took my hand in hers and said to me: 
                   "You are a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Born under a Water Sign.  In the Eleventh House.
Upheaval has been lurking in your life for so long now, you feel lost.  You have closed off.  Shut down.  You don't or won't let anyone in.  You've rebuilt that wall around you and your heart you had once torn down.
That door is closing.  A new one is opening.  Old is leaving.  New is coming.  Some doors you thought were closed will open back up.  Be willing to let this happen.  You may be surprised at what that door has behind it.  That wall uou built will crumble.  It is beginning to crumble.  You are a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Trust in them to protect you and to guide you.  Life will return, is returnng to your soul.  Let it come.  Welcome it."
I left there breathless.  I never told her about anything that I have been through this past year and half, and yet in these parting words to me, she summed up how I felt, how I was feeling, how I wanted to feel.  I went home and that night I was restless.  I paced the floor.  I was like a caged wild animal.  I needed to get outside.  So, at around 1:30 am  I stepped out onto my patio.  The night was hot, humid, but it felt wonderful to be outside.The walls of my apartment were closing in on me.  I looked up into the night sky.  There is was.  The most beautiful Full Moon I have ever seen.  And stars.  Stars just seem to fill the sky.  And I knew.  The Fortune Teller was right.  I believe things are going to get better.  I look forward to whatever new doors (or old) open up.
I am a child of the Moon and the Stars.  Born under a Water Sign in the Eleventh House. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

On-Line with God

Siting here at the Nameless, sun streaming in the windows, chatting with God on the laptop, love wordlessly pointing out how sweet the music is, how exquisitely enchanting the light. As the sun caresses the table it brings out the deep red and gold hues in the wood. How many conversations at this table? How many cups of coffee or tea? How many stories? I watch the light move slowly across the room. The pace is slow here at the Nameless this morning. Relaxed. The atmosphere settled. Sunday morning, but really, in here, it feels like eternity - a sweet, settled eternity. Everyone here is finding their way, in their own time and season. While they patiently wait for God, they drink coffee and tea. The waitress brings plates of warm goodies. When things settle, an easy loving-kindness emerges. I look around and find nothing sacred. Then again, there is nothing ordinary here either.

God just popped up! Since I had a good connection, I took the liberty of asking that ageless question, "Who or what are you?" The Beloved's reply: "I don't know."

I wrote back, "I knew it!" and we both had a good laugh at my choice of words.

Then, silence. You know, that still, silent, warm Presence that is so...

... Beloved

Monday, July 25, 2011

On Fear, Trust and Learning to Fly

I turned around today and saw the past year slipping off into the distance. Last year at this time I had just lost my father. I was emerging from a very difficult and dark time in my life and finally making peace with the loss of my mother the year before.  I was beginning to make a move that I'd longed for for awhile. It wasn't ideal; but it was my decision, and I was beginning to feel good about the decision.  Who knew that in just three short months, I would suddenly lose my husband also.

Suddenly it's a  full year later and I feel a little frazzled, a little edgy, a little on the verge, if you know what I mean. I'm trying to tell myself that I'm okay right where I am for the moment. I am here and I have a roof over my head, and life, well life is my oyster again. I'm grateful for all these things,

I lost so much a year and half ago. I lost my mother, my father, and my husband. I also lost all confidence in myself. Truly. All of it. I felt utterly alone and desolate. This has been a year and half of trying again. And again. Much good has come of it. I still feel the losses daily, but I make myself try harder. It's an old cliche about picking yourself up and dusting yourself off, but cliches are born from truths worth repeating.

This apartment has sheltered me while I've reinvented my life. In my heart that makes it the best of homes. And when I feel afraid of failing again, which I do almost daily, I look out the patio door. There's that flightless (for the moment) baby bird, making its way across the roofline, guided by its mother, but trusting in its own two feet.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

I Love Paris

A love affair that has been going on for quite awhile now.......oh how I love Paris................
I love Paris in the spring time,
I love Paris in the fall,
I love Paris in the winter when it drizzles,
I love Paris in the summer when it sizzles,

I love Paris every moment
Every moment of the year
I love Paris, why oh why do I love Paris
Because my love is near.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Fortune Teller

Went to the fortune teller
To have my fortune read
I didn't what to tell her
I had a dizzy feeling in my head

Said she'd take a look at my palm
Said "Son do you feel kind of warm?"
And she looked into her crystal ball
Said "You're in love."

Said it could not be so,
Not with all the girls I know.
Said when the next one arrives
Looking into her eyes.

I left there in a hurry
Much to my big surprise
The next thing I discovered
The fortune teller told me lies

So I ran back to that woman
Mad as I could be
Told her I didn't see nobody
How she made a fool out of me

At last something shook me
As if it came down from above
And now the fortune teller
And I fell in love

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Ain’t We Got Fun

Here's a little ditty that I think fits in fine in these times just as it did back then:

Every morning Every evening
Ain’t we got fun
Not much money Oh but honey
Ain’t We Got Fun

The rent’s unpaid dear
We have’nt a bus
But smiles were made dear
For people like us

In the winter In the summer
Don’t we have fun
Times are bum and getting bummer
Still we have fun

There’s nothing surer
The rich get rich and the poor get children
In the meantime In between time
Ain’t we got fun

Every morning Every evening
Don’t we got fun
They've cut my wages
Income tax will be so much smaller
When I'm paid off
I'll be laid off
Ain't we got fun

Landlords mad and getting madder
Ain’t we got fun
Times are bad and getting badder
Still we have fun

There’s nothing surer
The rich get rich and the poor get laid off
In the meantime In between time
Ain’t we got fun

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Train Long Gone

Gone -
Well I hate how that word rattles all around in this room

Alone -
Well his memory's so strong I can sweep it up with a broom

Tears -
If I shed any more I'm afraid they might wear out my face

Clear -
Yes it's clear to me now that his love can never be replaced

Because, love may be gone but never forgotten
His memory won't leave you alone
And the, train may be long gone from the station
But you, still hear the whistle moan
Still hear the whistle moan

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Dear Diary......Dark Moon

The new moon has arrived once again, marking the passing of time. With this comes the desire, once again, to strike out and try something new. I just don’t know what that new thing should be. I haven’t had the time or patience to sit and start work on something that has been spinning in my head for a time, fiction spun from places and experiences close to me. It seems the interruptions of life are too strong at present, and I wonder when, if ever, they will allow me the time to travel down that road.

Impatience is something I have had to work with throughout my life, not waiting well for things that seem now to test me and ask me to wait even longer. Perhaps this is my “lesson” for this life, patience. Some days are easier than others, some spent content with the cares of everyday life knowing one day it will all come to me. Others are spent searching for the things that continue to elude me, wondering if this is all there is. Certainly the beauty of the day is something to hold and the sunlight on the meadow and the stars in the sky keep me thankful for each moment I am given.

Tonight I think I will try and journey with this new moon. Often we see the most when the moon hides her face from us, the darkness revealing her secrets to us. Until then I will listen to the quiet patter of the rain and work my way through the list of things that sit waiting for me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

It is so very, very hard to enjoy anthing.......

It is so very, very hard to enjoy anything right now.  Holidays, birthdays, anniversaries.  Nothing.  I feel nothing but emptiness.  Loneliness.  Sorrow.  I try very hard not to cry, but sometimes, sometimes the tears just come............It's been 1 year 8 months since my mother passed away, 1 year sine my father passed away and 9 months since my husband passed away.  So much loss in such a short time, I do not know how I even make it out of bed each day. 

Week-ends are hard, but I know they only last two days and then I can go back to work.  But a holiday like this one, where I have four days off.....this is a killer for me.  Memories come and all I want to do is not remember.

When will it not be so very, very hard...........When?!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

‘I Know Where I’m Going!’

Knowing my love for all things Scotland, I look for things that nurture this love. I discovered this movie the other night. I’d never seen (or heard of, to be honest). What a pleasure — on many levels. This is the tale of a headstrong young woman, Joan Webster, flawlessly played by Dame Wendy Hiller, who knows from childhood exactly what she wants from life and how to achieve it. As the film begins, she tells her father over dinner that she is going on a trip to the Hebrides, where she is to be married on a remote island to an older, enormously wealthy industrialist. This is news to poor old Dad, who sputters, “You can’t marry Consolidated Chemical Industries!” to which she blithely replies, “Can’t I?” So off she goes on her perfectly arranged trip in a perfectly arranged train compartment with her perfectly packed luggage — including her bridal gown.

She arrives on the Isle of Mull to take a ferry to the island where the ceremony will take place. And then the plans go awry. A gale wind arises, preventing the ferry from coming, and she is stuck on the rustic island. She meets the engaging Torquil MacNeil (the delightful Robert Livesey), a local laird who watches out for her, to her slightly amused disinterest. He shows her about Mull, introducing her to some of the people and their simple way of life, noting, in response to one of her observations, that they aren’t poor; they “just don’t have any money” — not at all like the man of her dreams (or schemes).

Determined to reach the wedding island despite the weather, she persuades a young man to take her, heedless of the risks, which include skirting an enormous marine whirlpool. MacNeil insists on going. Of course the weather gets worse, of course they are almost wrecked in the whirlpool. And yes, she throws over her original plan and stays to marry MacNeil.

It sounds so predictable. But it is utterly engaging, beautifully photographed, rich with the scenes of the incomparable Hebrides, which are glorious even in black and white (Michael Powell and his partner Emeric Pressburger made the film in 1945, when there was a shortage of Technicolor stock), and so appealing in its ability to shatter the certainty with which the young Joan sallies forth.

Don’t we all so often set out with certainty when we embark on a journey, tickets and itineraries in hand, passports stamped, heads as full of expectations as our luggage is full of clothes? And yet, just as often, we experience sights, people and events that we could not have anticipated and that can become the most treasured memories of a trip. I love this movie because it captures that possibility, not just in the boundaries of a single trip, but within the very horizons of our lives.

I look forward to watching this enchanting movie again.