Monday, November 28, 2011

Closing My Heart and Throwing Away the Key

This week-end I got to catch up with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  We talked about the losses that I have been through these past few months.  The passing of both parents, the end of my marriage, and the sudden passing of my husband.  We talked of other things and other people that came and went in my life throughout this.  And as we talked about all of these things, she said that she could, yes, sense the pain of loss, but that she sensed something else.  She senses that I was closing down, shutting people out.  Not letting anybody in.  I had closed up my heart.

After we hung-up, I thought about what she said.  And yes, I agree with her.  In fact, I had shut down a long time ago.  Closed off my heart and threw away key.  I just didn't want to admit it.  Everything just caved in on me.  I did not want to feel anything.  Ever.  Three very painful losses in a row for me.  The beginning of the end of 10 year marriage.  The loss of my self-esteem. The destruction of my pride.  I have gone through all of this in these many months that have passed.  Each one coming in like waves.  Pulling me down further into the abyss each time one hits. 

First, there was the end of my marriage.  Not wanting to give up, but the problems could never be worked out.  This affected my health to the point there were a couple of hospital stays to get myself healthy again.  Then the loss of my mother.  Not unexpected, but a blow none the less.  Then I let some one get close to me.  Maybe too close.  Too close to my heart.  This is where I lost my self-worth, my pride.  Who I had become.  Then the loss of my father.  He just did not want to go on without my mother.  Again, not unexpected, but again a blow that was hard to recover from.  And then, the most tragic loss.  That of my husband.  So unexpcted, so painful.  Even though we were still married, we were not man and wife.  Hadn't been for awhile.  He was there for me with my Mom and Dad.  To wake up one day and find that he had a massive stroke. And with in 4 days they tell me he has no brain function and I must make the decision to remove his breathing tube.

All of this has so overwhelmed me.  Yes.  I have shut down.  Closed off my heart.  My feelings.  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  I don't want to feel anything.  Not even love.  I know I would not survive if I had to go through these emotion again.  I'm not sure I can survive them now.  Maybe if it all hadn't happened all together.  All at once.  Maybe if it was spread out more.  I would be able to what....go on....I am going on.  I get up each day......I do what I have to do.

I've just closed my heart and threw away the key.  That's all.

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