What I Learned this Week (To Be More Brazen)

This week was filled with lessons learned.

I am a quiet person by nature.  I sit back and observe for a bit and then gradually build up to be a part of the group or conversation.  This may have cost me dearly.  This part of who I am may have cost me an opportunity to know someone that I truly wanted to find out who they were.  An opportunity to see where, if anywhere knowing this person might lead.  I have never regretted anything in my life that I have done.  But this, this possible missed opportunity will be one that I will regret.  This being the most serious lesson learned this week. 

The others are small things.  Nothing important as the first lesson, but things I've learned about myself.

I need to be more brazen.  I need to step up and ask for, work for, seek out the things I want or need in my life. Or would like to have in my life.

I need to spend more time out in nature.  I come alive when I am out in nature.  I feel free.

I prefer small intimate dinner parties rather than going out to a bar.  I prefer a select few friends, diverse friends, so the conversation can be informative and lively, good food, and a good bottle of wine.

It's ok to cry when a wisp of a memory comes floating in out of nowhere.

This week was crammed with lessons.  I really hope next week won't have quite so many.

50 Shades of Gray (Erotic Fiction)

My whole office is reading and talking about this book, "50 Shades of Gray" by  E L James. It's the  New York Times #1 bestselling erotic fiction paperback and e-book. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM.  I now have a copy of this book and I am looking forward to reading it.  Not sure if it is my cup of tea, but....I have to know what all the fuss is about.......just being curious

Nature

Dear one,

Sometimes it's hard, isn't it? to see the beauty in things. Especially when things are collapsing, the soil is dry as bones, the cars zoomzoomzoom and make hovering black clouds that stick in our throats. How can we see beauty in skyscrapers and concrete? It was never meant to be this way. My heart aches for green grass and rainbows and fresh air. My body aches to be pure and healthy and taste fresh food instead of boxed and bagged. My spirit reaches out to a sky that has no tears, no refreshing and cleansing rain. What have we done, dear one? And how do we get it back?

The "Sometimes" Moments

Sometimes moments....the moments in my life when I wish things were different. 
Sometime I am so tired of being "the strong one".
Sometimes I want someone else to come home to other than myself.
Sometimes I want to cook for two not one.
Sometimes I want to spend a quiet evening with someone.
Sometimes I want to go out on a date.
Sometimes I want to make love to someone
Sometimes I want someone to make love to me
Sometimes I want someone to talk to
Sometimes I just want to go out with people because they just want to be with me, not because they think they are doing me a favor by getting me out of the house/
Sometimes I just want someone to spend time with
Sometimes I am so tired of being tired
Sometimes I want someone to take care of
Sometimes I want someone to take care of me
Sometimes I just want to hold someone's hand
Sometimes I just want to be held
Sometimes I want a lot of people around me
Sometimes I want what others have....a husband, a home, a family
Sometimes I wish I were stronger
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night in someone's arms
Sometimes I wish I could just get away for a few days
Sometimes I just want to keep company with someone
Sometimes I wish I felt better than I do
Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite as old as I am
Sometimes I wish things were different.
Sometimes....................

My theme song

This is my new theme song........I know what I want, and I will go after it with all my heart and soul......I may not get what I want but at least I gave it a try......better to have tried for it then done nothing at all.....

this tightly stiched doll

this tightly stitched doll is coming apart at the seams, the cotton candy insides seep through the marionette strings. its carcass melts into the carpet, ribcage making concrete stalactites along the basement ceiling. itchy, twitchy butterfly wings escape the belly and float through the corridors. her blood seeps ruby waterfalls down the wallpaper and drip drips onto the floor. the house aches with her ragged breaths. tendon weeds crawl into floorboards and dancing spiders creep over windowpanes, their dusty eyelash cobwebs tangle in corners. shadows lurk behind shut doors; the shadows she's terrified of.

this poor insomniac doll.

she is tired and must rest.

the ghosts

the cheshire cat whispers to the shadows, its moon breath creeps through cracks in doors,
tip-toes across wooden floors, and dances across your sleeping face,
tangling its spider legs in your unruly hair.
i sleepwalk through the dark hallways, running my fingertips over the chipped walls,
mumbling a forgotten tune.
the ghosts with sharp teeth and bleeding eyes float along the floor, grabbing at my fractured ankles,
hoping for me to lose my footing and sink ever deeper into their sinister imprisonments,
where they will suck my blood and sew buttons into my eyes.