Friday, October 15, 2010

The Loss of My Husband: How It Has Changed My Life

We never know from one moment to the next what could happen that could change our lives forever. We hear of tragedy every day. We sympathize with others and as awful as it sounds, quietly thank God it wasn't our loved ones. Maybe it's a form of subconscious denial but we tend to think that tragedy won't happen to us or those we love. But it can and when it does we suddenly become the 'someone else.'

Most people don't want to talk about death. Who can blame them? People just aren't comfortable discussing the inevitable end of their mortal existence. Some people have a downright phobia about death. I was one of those people. For years, I couldn't even bring myself to say the word. Suddenly I found myself having to deal with it.

First my mother passed away then eight months later my father followed. I never thought I could deal with losing both parents. If it weren't for my husband I don't know if I would have been able to cope. Little did I know what the future held. And now,three months later, I find myself once again trying to cope with death. This time I am alone.

My husband had a massive stroke with a blood clot to the brain.  They performed surgery to relieve pressure on the brain stem.  He was placed on a ventilator.  He never regained consciousness after the surgery.  This was on Saturday.  On the following Monday he had no brain function.  He was brain dead.  We removed him fron the ventilator.  Thirty minutes later he passed on.

I asked to be left alone as every emotion inside me came pouring out. At that moment my world as I had known it ended. A part of me died too. I had to make the phone calls. I couldn't even think clearly. I had to be strong  but I didn't want to be strong. I wanted someone to take care of me.

My husband's death has changed my life in dramatic and drastic ways. Outwardly most of those changes have appeared negative but I believe that God works in mysterious ways. From an inner perspective many of those changes have forced me to grow and learn. I've had to face my fears, learn to become more self-sufficient and find courage, confidence and strength within myself.

The universe forced me to face my biggest fear and to become a different person through trials and tribulations. In this last year I have suffered the loss of three people, who meant a lot to me and I'm still not over that first loss  of my mother. I don't believe I ever will be but I will continue to grow and change. Hopefully, I will become the person they, my mom, dad, and husband,  always believed I was someday.

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