Monday, September 6, 2010

Crying In the Shower.......A Catharsis

There are days when I feel so overwhelmed with what I have to do to end a nine year relationship.
I am just one person doing all of this on my own. And right now it seems to be taking forever.  Every little step that I accomplish towards that goal just seems like little steps.  But I know deep down that I can not rush this process. 

I have been dealing with this now for over a year.  And this year seems to be as long as the nine years that I was in the relationship.  I've had to put alot on hold due to family responsibilites.  I  have had to do one thing at time due to finances.  I have had to make a deal with the devil himself to survive some of this.

I long ago reached the breaking point.  The point of no return.  The point when I found myself again.  The me that I buried to survive the marriage.  I will not go back there ever again.

If this sounds selfish so be it, but I am, at this point in my life, more important than trying to make something that, now that I look back on, should not have been, work.

I don't want that life.  I don't want that person I was back then.  I don't want that person that I married back then.  I am more than that.  I have more to offer to myself and others.  I am ready and have been ready to step out into the light of a new day.

I rose from that ashes of a marriage that crumbled due to emotional and mental abuse.  I lived through and survived the passing of both parents within 7 months of each other.  I made it through a serious illness this past June (renal failure) with a good prognosis that all should be well as long as I take care.  I finally found a permanent job that pays well.  I have my own place to live.  And I finally have a car of my own.  These are accomplishments.  But there is more to do.

And they won't come fast, but they will come.  I have my car, but I still need to pay taxes and get plates.  I then need to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.  More financial strain, but I will make it through this. It's just going to take time.  More time with the devil.  He doesn't get to me any more.  But I am ready for it to end.

So there are days like today....I go to the shower, turn the water on, as hot has I can stand it, and I let it wash over me and I cry.  I cry for the sheer relief of things I've got done.  And I cry for the overwhelming feeling of all that has to be done.

But, I will not let it get me down.  I am ready to, have moved on....I am moving forward with my life.......I have been now for more than a year. 

I am me again.  I am ready for the new life that surrounds me.  I do not want to hide from anyone or anything again.  I am ready live and to love again.

Crying in the shower.....good so many ways........

I am living and loving again.

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