There are days when I feel so overwhelmed with what I have to do to end a nine year relationship.
I am just one person doing all of this on my own. And right now it seems to be taking forever. Every little step that I accomplish towards that goal just seems like little steps. But I know deep down that I can not rush this process.
I have been dealing with this now for over a year. And this year seems to be as long as the nine years that I was in the relationship. I've had to put alot on hold due to family responsibilites. I have had to do one thing at time due to finances. I have had to make a deal with the devil himself to survive some of this.
I long ago reached the breaking point. The point of no return. The point when I found myself again. The me that I buried to survive the marriage. I will not go back there ever again.
If this sounds selfish so be it, but I am, at this point in my life, more important than trying to make something that, now that I look back on, should not have been, work.
I don't want that life. I don't want that person I was back then. I don't want that person that I married back then. I am more than that. I have more to offer to myself and others. I am ready and have been ready to step out into the light of a new day.
I rose from that ashes of a marriage that crumbled due to emotional and mental abuse. I lived through and survived the passing of both parents within 7 months of each other. I made it through a serious illness this past June (renal failure) with a good prognosis that all should be well as long as I take care. I finally found a permanent job that pays well. I have my own place to live. And I finally have a car of my own. These are accomplishments. But there is more to do.
And they won't come fast, but they will come. I have my car, but I still need to pay taxes and get plates. I then need to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. More financial strain, but I will make it through this. It's just going to take time. More time with the devil. He doesn't get to me any more. But I am ready for it to end.
So there are days like today....I go to the shower, turn the water on, as hot has I can stand it, and I let it wash over me and I cry. I cry for the sheer relief of things I've got done. And I cry for the overwhelming feeling of all that has to be done.
But, I will not let it get me down. I am ready to, ...no...I have moved on....I am moving forward with my life.......I have been now for more than a year.
I am me again. I am ready for the new life that surrounds me. I do not want to hide from anyone or anything again. I am ready live and to love again.
Crying in the shower.....good catharsis.......in so many ways........
I am living and loving again.