Am I Ever Going to Come Back to Being Me

When does it get better?  When can I move forward?  How long can I be in mourning?  November 2009, my mother passed away.  June 2010 my father passed away.  October 2010 my husband passed away.  When will I stop crying?  When will I be able to do things we once did, go places we once went without falling apart?  The grief counselor says that everyone grieves in their own way in their own time.  But I am not living.  I am just existing right now.  And it is hard.  I have become such a recluse and such a bitch.  I take it out on everyone around me.  I believe I even lost the friendship of someone that mattered to me, because I am such a moody, bitchy person right now.  And on top of all this, I am dealing with a serious illness of my own.  I just want to know how long will this last?  Where did I, me, go?  When is she coming back?  Is she ever going to come back?

I never got to say good-bye

I wish you were here with me right now.  I really miss you.  And all these battery of tests that the doctors want me to go through.  I am scared.  It is so hard to go through them alone.  I'm not that strong.   You know RG, you wouldn't recognize me now.  I don't eat and I don't sleep.  I've lost so much weight the doctors are wanting me to put on some weight now.  Even my brother is concerned.  He's talked to me about moving down to Warrensburg to be closer to him.  I have thought about it, but everything is familiar up here on the one hand.  And on the other everything reminds of you.  I think I was doing ok until these tests that they want done.  But you know me I worry about everything/  And now with you not here I worry even more.  Having to go through this all by myself.  I don't know if I can.  I think, RG, the hardest thing for me is I never got to say good-bye.  One day you're here and the next you're gone..  Never getting to talk to you and having to make those decisions I never wanted to make has been the hardest thing for me to live with.  I struggle with this every day.
I do miss you so.  I really could use a hug right now sweet pea.  I could really use some of that practical sense of yours. I really need some of your love.....I miss you so much.

Am I Blue

I really am very tired of this emotional roller coaster ride I am on.  I'm tired of the emotional pain as well as the physical pain.   I am me the eight and half hours I'm at work.  But the rest of the time,  I completely shut down. I just go through the motions.  Like a robot.  I don't eat.  I don't sleep.  I don't see anyone.  I don't talk to anyone.  I am just so mentally and physically drained.  This post, if you will forgive me,  is just a rant,  a whine if  you will.  I put the walls up so nobody sees this side of me.  But every once in awhile I have to let it out.  This is my only form of "letting it out"

Ahhhh it has just been a bad couple of days...no more than a couple days....more like several weeks now.

I have the blues.  And I've got it bad.

I am absolutely certain that…

…my mind is the most powerful place on earth. Beautiful and dangerous.
…love is enough. Any amount of love is enough.
…I’m the best dancer in this room.
…I am loved.
…I will still feel like this tomorrow.
…you will be rich and you will be poor. You will like rich better.
…life may not be as great as  they say, but it isn’t bad.
…love is the meaning of life.
…I will meet the love of my life. I will!
…just for today, I will not be angry, I will not worry, I will be grateful, I will do my work honestly, I will be kind to every living thing.
…I will change my mind tomorrow.
…what we are to be we are now becoming.
…I will have to file my taxes this year.
…love is easier to find if you create it yourself.
…in the end, we thrash around to say we tried, not to affect the outcome.
…thanking people, especially the ones closest to us, whose kindness we feel entitled to, is one of the most important things we can do.
…I have something new to say. I just don’ t know what it is yet.
…I will survive this.

Rose Red

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

I wil marry at thy will sire 

At thy will 

A thousand years gone by 

Too late to wonder why 

I'm here alone 

If in my darkest hour 

She rose that fell a flower 

I should have known 

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

Only if you can capture me 

CHORUS 

Tell me no more stories 

And I'll tell you no lies 

No one wants to hurt me 

But everybody tries 

And if you think that I've been waiting 

For my planets to align 

It's Time you go on 

Get your things, get up, get out 

I'n doing fine, yeah yeah 

Someday these walls will speak 

The floors beneath you creek 

To call my name 

Here in my web of dreams 

My whispers turn to screams 

And place the blame 

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

Only if you discover me 

CHORUS 

For this freedom 

I have given all I had 

For this darkness 

I gave my light 

For this wisdom 

I have lost my innocence 

Take my petals 

And cover me with the night 

I Feek Lost

I feel lost.


The sands of time whispering through my fingertips.
A heart being crammed through a paper shredder.
Heavy eyelids that refuse to completely drain their tear basins.

I feel lost.

I need someone, anyone, to help me find my way back home.
Follow the saltwater trail, through the woods, to the house made of candy,
where I'm being eaten alive, and bring me home.

I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought
people would see it because 'romantic' doesn't mean
sugary.  It's dark and tormented - the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you can't attain.


 ~ Catherine Breillat