Sunday, April 29, 2012

Ramblings of a frightened little girl......

Today has been a contemplative day for me.  For the first time, I really have to admit to myself, that I am frightened.  I am unsure of what the future holds.  And this scares me to death.  There are days when I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going.  And then there are days like today.  Many days like today than I care to count. Scared and unsure.  Wandering in a world that  somehow doesn't fit anymore.  I cannot see what lies ahead because of the mist that has descended over me.  I have no sense of direction.  No star to guide me.  No landmarks to steer by.

And I know I feel this way all because of words.   Just words.  Words that people say, and yet they do not know how these words make me feel.  They might be words of friendship, comfort....but yet they cause me pain.  They bring back memories.   Memories of many things.  Many people.

I have good memories.  And I have bittersweet memories.  But I wish those memories would not come rushing all at once at me.  Memories of what was once,  what could have been, what should have been.  I am finished with the past.  But the past is not finished with me.  The more I try to move forward, the more it reahes out to me with chains of tears and frustrations.  Restraining my movements.  Making me relive past pains, losses, mistakes and what might have beens.

I cry.  I write.  I put steel down my back to withstand these memories.  And when I think I am free....all it takes is well placed kind word from someone.....and there it is....the key that unlocks the door I so carefully closed.....and everything I tried to find a place for comes spinning out at me.

And for now, I let these words and these memories come crashing at me from all sides.  It's all I can do.  And I wait.  I wait for the right words.  The words that will set me free.  Lift me up.  Give me hope.  Give me love.  I await these words breathlessly.  Anxiously.  For with these words will come new life and new memories.

For now...I am just a frightened little girl......

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