Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sleepless Nights

For just about a week now, I have gotten very little sleep.  My mind just races with thoughts.  I am up and down all night.  In this past week I have filled a notebook with writing and sketches and drawings.  And to me, none of it makes sense.  I cannot figure out what my mind is trying to tell me.  In the deep of the night I sometime feel like I want to scream.  But I don't.  It all comes out in the notebook.  I guess you could say I am screaming on paper.

I know that I am going through a lot right now, I've written about it the other day.....My Story.  I worry about that.  I know that that will bring change to my life.  But this, this is different.  This is a change that's coming.  A big change, not sure if it life-altering, but it feels big.  I've been through just one or two of these life-altering big changes.  I've always had someone there with me when they came. 

With this change, if that is what it is, this change scares me.  I have to go through it alone.  I can face just about anything, but right now, I feel very small, very defenseless, and ......and this a good change or a bad change.  Do I have the strength to go through it if is bad.  This time, will I not survive the struggles.  Or.....or the struggles and storms of the past finally over......I don't know.....I am usually a patient person......but now,  now my patience has got me on edge......let's just get it over with fate.....I'm so darn exhausted......I just want to move forward.....not backward.....not stay in the same place......just ......I'm so tired........

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