Monday, May 14, 2012

Who I Am

This is just a continuation of my original post "My Story"  There are just few more things that I need to put down on "paper".  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am not an easy person to live with.  I am an emotional creature.  I tend to wear my emotions on the outside.  They sometimes get away with themselves. I get mad.  Yes.  I cry at commercials.  Yes.  I feel others pain.  Yes.  If I walks away from you when I am mad, that's a good thing.  Give me some time to think things through and all will be well.  Follow me and keep arguing.  All will not be well.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  Very emphaticaly yes.  Just let me cry.  They won't last long.  The last one, that one is harder.  Harder to understand.  Harder to deal with.  I just feel things very deeply.  A gift and a curse I guess.

I am a shy person.  I have difficulty starting a conversation.  I sit and observe. I don't say much.  It's because I don't have anything to say.  It's just very difficult for me to get the words out. Not until you get to know me.  Not until I let you in.  But, I have a tendency not to let anyone in.  The ones I have let in, well, there special,  they've seen past my defenses, they've seen the real me.  They took the time to look past those defenses.

Physically, you know most of my history.  Leukemia, chemo therapy, etc.  But what a lot of people don't know is that I am a diabetic also.  Have been for awhile.  Yes I do take insulin shots.  I do everything I am suppose to do.  It's just a part of who I am now.  What I have been dealing with lately is the diagnosis of CHF, congestive heart failure.  Again, under control, for know, manageable.  I still walk, hike (althought slower), yoga, dance.  I try to avoid stairs, that one is more difficult.  But I still live an active, normal life.  I don't let any of this get in my way of living.

I am 54-years old, I think I have survived pretty well.  A lot of people, when they find out my age, do not think I am  as old as I say.  I like that.  What gray hair I have (and I do have some) really looks like very light blond streaks in my hair.  I have to watch my weight.  But here recently instead of trying not gain weight when I was younger, I have to watch that I don't lose a lot a weight at one time.  Go figure.

For the last few years, stress has been a big part of my life.  It has not helped any of the above things I just talked about.  I've had to learn to deal with this.  And learn it very fast.  But things are beginning to get better.  I am happy.  I haven't been happy for awhile.  I have everything I need.  One or two things I would like to have in my life.....someday maybe.  But for the most part life is good.  This is just a little bit of who I am.  I am much more than this.  But for now this is all that I will write.

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