Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

(Macbeth by W. Shakespeare; Act IV, Scene 1)

Saturday, October 30, 2010

For All-Hallows Eve

One of my favorite spooky poems is the classic by Poe... I mean can you really beat Poe when it comes to getting you in the mood for All-Hallows Eve?

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,

While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -

Only this, and nothing more. . ."

"The Raven" by

Edgar Allan Poe

To listen to this poem in all its haunting glory, check out this reading by British actor Basil Rathbone, I can feel the chills already crawling up my spine! Click this Link

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Sometimes Goodbye is A Second Chance

By the way I made it through the day
I watch the world outside
I just saw Haley's Comet, she waved
Said, "Why are you always running in place?"
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere

Tell my mother, tell my father I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Please don't cry one tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice
So listen close, it's only for today

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

Songwriters: Bassett, Dave Richard; Smith, Brent;

Saturday, October 23, 2010

On Being Alone

I have always been a solitary person -- so much so that it surprised me that I married.  Being alone, for me, is very much connected to nature -- I enjoy merging with it and disappearing into it. I feel at once present and unpresent.

I tell people to live as close to the earth as possible, because this is where we're from. This is what supports you.

It's also through nature that I feel connected to ancestry and to spirit, and they are present in the sounds and silence of nature. We don't have any real understanding anymore of how we're connected to all who have come before us. We feel cut off -- but how could we be? They are us, and we are them.

I do think you can learn to love being alone. I think people who have a fear of being alone should consider a meditation practice, to be rather than think. Just try to develop love for yourself and compassion even for all your backward, stupid, mean-spirited, bad ways. Say to yourself, There you are, and I love you anyway.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Being a Widow......

Widowhood is a difficult mantle to wear, and the really painful, grinding mourning takes about a year.

Even though it's hard to believe right now, "tomorrow will be better" and you will discover you are a better and more mature, even caring person because of your loss than you were before.............

Now, I've been giving my status in the scheme of life a lot of thought lately. And, my conclusion is this - being a widow sucks! Plain enough for ya? Alone isn't so bad - I've felt and been more or less alone most of my life. But the loneliness is downright unbearable most of the time.

Have you ever fixed a pot of beans, or spaghetti sauce, or chili, or meat loaf, or anything that could be classified as a meal for ONE PERSON? Have you ever felt spiritually, emotionally stifled because there's nobody to talk to? Have you ever just chattered away like a magpie at strangers at Wal Mart because of being hungry for communicating one-on-one with SOMEONE? Have you ever thought what good am I to anyone because you honestly feel like there isn't anyone who REALLY cares or understands?

Well, I can tell you, it is absolutely terrifying. Thankfully, I don't feel like that often enough for it to be worrying to me. It's happened enough for me to realize at this point in my life I've gotta accept my situation - but, it doesn't mean I've gotta do it gracefully!

Friday, October 15, 2010

The Loss of My Husband: How It Has Changed My Life

We never know from one moment to the next what could happen that could change our lives forever. We hear of tragedy every day. We sympathize with others and as awful as it sounds, quietly thank God it wasn't our loved ones. Maybe it's a form of subconscious denial but we tend to think that tragedy won't happen to us or those we love. But it can and when it does we suddenly become the 'someone else.'

Most people don't want to talk about death. Who can blame them? People just aren't comfortable discussing the inevitable end of their mortal existence. Some people have a downright phobia about death. I was one of those people. For years, I couldn't even bring myself to say the word. Suddenly I found myself having to deal with it.

First my mother passed away then eight months later my father followed. I never thought I could deal with losing both parents. If it weren't for my husband I don't know if I would have been able to cope. Little did I know what the future held. And now,three months later, I find myself once again trying to cope with death. This time I am alone.

My husband had a massive stroke with a blood clot to the brain.  They performed surgery to relieve pressure on the brain stem.  He was placed on a ventilator.  He never regained consciousness after the surgery.  This was on Saturday.  On the following Monday he had no brain function.  He was brain dead.  We removed him fron the ventilator.  Thirty minutes later he passed on.

I asked to be left alone as every emotion inside me came pouring out. At that moment my world as I had known it ended. A part of me died too. I had to make the phone calls. I couldn't even think clearly. I had to be strong  but I didn't want to be strong. I wanted someone to take care of me.

My husband's death has changed my life in dramatic and drastic ways. Outwardly most of those changes have appeared negative but I believe that God works in mysterious ways. From an inner perspective many of those changes have forced me to grow and learn. I've had to face my fears, learn to become more self-sufficient and find courage, confidence and strength within myself.

The universe forced me to face my biggest fear and to become a different person through trials and tribulations. In this last year I have suffered the loss of three people, who meant a lot to me and I'm still not over that first loss  of my mother. I don't believe I ever will be but I will continue to grow and change. Hopefully, I will become the person they, my mom, dad, and husband,  always believed I was someday.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Devastation and Loss

I have very sad news to write here.....these words are very hard for me to writer......

but somehow I feel I must set these words down in writing

My husband of 9 years died Monday due to a stroke, high blood pressure and a blood clot.

Even though we have had our difficulties, this has been a devastating shock to me

I will be, I need to be, away for awhile to get myself back, to find some meaning in all of this

I am totally at a loss right now...........

Friday, October 1, 2010

Where Have All The Cowboys Gone

Where is my John Wayne

Where is my prairie sun

Where is my happy ending

Where have all the cowboys gone

I am wearing my new dress tonight

But you don't even see me

Where is my law man

Where is his shiny gun

Where is my lonley ranger

Where have all the cowboys gone

Where have all the cowboys gone........