Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Random Things

1. At the moment I'm not dealing with stress very well

2. A simple bowl of vegetable soup can be so wonderful

3. Every now and then you need to laugh until your ribs hurt
4. Finding new, good music can be very inspiring
5. Pepperoni pizza is one of the best midnight snacks.
6. I like museums

7. Holding hands can still make me feel giddy
8. Going grocery shopping without a list is never a good idea
9. Some things are just not worth being annoyed about
10. Anything you really want, is worth the effort

Friday, May 21, 2010

I love the weekend …

Lazy, long breakfasts filled with lots of coffee, chat and catching up on long overdue magazine reading…

Of course breakfast can’t last all day, perhaps much later on there will be a little of the other as well… a perfect book-end to a weekend day. I hope your weekend is just as enjoyable!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Dreams

I often speak to you as if you are my future, my life, my hopes, my truths… my escape… my reality.

Yet as of late, the nights have turned restless, fever rushes and sweat drowns my peace

As of late, the visions which fall bring not rest

As of late, the nights which gather make my eyes heavy with longing of nights which have passed

As of late, I sit in the corner and wait for dawn. Awake. Alone.

I have spoken to you so often, yet tonight I address you, directly, and ask of you to return to me.

Do not begrudge me my mistakes, for I may have taken for granted, but I have never forsaken my peace.

Please return to me my future, my life, my hopes, my truths… my escape… my reality…

my dreams

I remember nights when I would smile and await the next adventure,

the reality of life faded and accompanied the shadows to rest.

The replaced image was one of silence and experience

This new uncertainty became truth… I remember the nights.

I remember the mornings when I would smile and try to capture every detail,

relive the fantasy, find that which I believed in, feel the freedom of all I owned… be that which knows no bounds… almost discovering the reflection in the mirror is all but a mirage… it is the real you

the fragrances of life, the tastes of air, the sights and sounds… all aware… all in there… it is the truth… I remember the mornings when my mind would comfort my soul

one day,

one day

your dreams shall

be real,

for all which is,

is all

In dreams

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Words

There are days when I feel feelings I can not understand, or simply choose not to… things I feel and think which cause me to doubt and hide within the words I create… there are times when I am so tired I wish the world would slow so I could catch up… there are moments in which I feel the weight and fall to my knees…

I write these words with no purpose…

I look not for reason, for reason has led me to hide within these words, hide within my mind…

Tears can not flow tonight… the well is empty, yet shallow enough to be full

I sit now and wait… for the words I create to bring a filling breath to my lungs…

the breath I long for. the breath I need

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Land of Tears

Lips that taste of tears, they say,

Are the best for kissing.

~Dorothy Parker

It is such a secret place, the land of tears.
sometimes my heart wants to shout out loud...
with each tear drop that falls,

but I won't lose control.
I do that in private.

There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel all right.

I heard the teardrop hit my pillow before I even knew I was crying

I often wonder, at that moment it seems that no-one will ever hear,
Just let it out
Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.
Time engraves our faces with all the tears we have not shed.
Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water
Invisible tears are the hardest to wipe away. ,

Friday, May 7, 2010

Being Honest with Myself

We resist being honest with ourselves because it hurts and seems overwhelming. These create defining moments when we must decide to conquer fear and trust God for strength to push through the pain and achieve the honesty we need.

I have been married for 10 years.  For most of that time it has been an abusive relationship.  Not physical.  But emotional and mental abuse.  If it had been physical I would have been out of there a long time ago.  But emotional and mental abuse is much more subtle and takes time to take it's toll.  Emotional  abuse is toxic, clearly. But when on the receiving end, it can be confusing, debilitating and often keep you spinning.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at you self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in your own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

This has been my life.  It is not my life anymore. The details are not pretty and I won't go into them, but I am very much my "old" self again.  It has taken time, patience, love, friends, family and a counselor to help me reach who I am.  The one thing that needed to be done and I have not been able to do is admit that I was in an abusive relationship.  You are embarrassed, you are ashamed, afraid of what others might think of you.  I am no longer embarrassed, no longer ashamed, it still bothers me what others might think, but I'm getting over that too, this post proves that.  It's my way of being honest with myself

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

I just want to run away

Did you ever have one of those days when you wish you could just run away from everybody and everything.  Well today was one of those days for me.  I had the most horrible thing happen this morning...the breaks on my SUV went out!  I swerved to avoid hitting the car in front of me and hit a steel post mail box.  Thank goodness nothing else was damaged, just the mailbox.  But it will cost me six hundred dollars to fix my breaks.  Money I am just going to pull out of the air.  AND when I called my soon to be ex husband to help me figure out who to call to have it towed and fixed (it is his SUV...why I'm driving it another story altogether ).....it's "I'm not helping you, you solve this one yourself, if I help you that's babying you, take care of it yourself) one of the may reasons he is soon to be ex) .  So with the kindest of help from the people whose mailbox I destroyed and my co-workers, I got the car towed and the breaks are being repaired and the vehicle should be ready tomorrow.  I've spent today, trying to do my job, plus trying to solve this mess.  And all day today I have pushed aside that terrified feeling I had of not having any breaks, of not being able to stop the vehicle.  Until now.  Now everything is hitting me al at once.  And I mean everything that has happened in these last year and half.  I am very tired right now.  Tired of trying to solve problems, tired of trying to fix things, tired of being the strong one, tired of being tired.  When can I relax, do things that I want to do, enjoy my life again.  I so want to just run away.  This is a bit of a ramble, sorry about that, it's just how I feel right now.....all torn up in tiny pieces and tossed about and not sure if I can put those pieces back together again.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I can't decide if I have cat or cat has me.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

My Bliss

As April rolls into May, guiding us closer towards the pleasures of summertime, I sit here and ask myself...where has the time gone already?? I mean wasn't it just yesterday we celebrated a new year? January came and went..February, the same..now we're around the corner from summer.

Now don't get me wrong..though I'm well known as the winter queen, I am looking forward to lovely, warm days and the glorious scent of flowers in the garden. However, time is so precious that I'd hate to see it all fly by so quickly. I thirst for the moment..minute by minute. I long to enjoy every precious second, for life has taught me about loss..about the delicate fabric of our lives.

So that being said..I want to find my bliss here, there, everywhere. I want to enjoy every bit of "newness" that comes along. I want to treasure my loved ones..and embrace with passion and divine euphoria my new beginnings. I want to live life to the fullest...tomorrow isn't promised to any of us.

This is my now, my minute, my hour, my future. I'm living it up...and while I'm at it, I'm counting my blessings every step of the way! Enjoy your TODAY my dears..each day as it comes. Tis the gift we can unwrap upon awaking every morn.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Wild Women Do

Wild women do
And they don't regret it.

You tell me you want a woman who's
As simple as a flower.
Well if you want me to act like that,
You'd better pay me by the hour.

Don't want to travel in the danger zone
Take another number
Don't want a lover who can hold her own
Baby step aside if you don't want to ride

Wild women do
And they don't regret it
Wild women show
What they're goin' through
Wild women do

What you think they'll never
What you only dream about
Wild women do.

You think that love is a vision of
A princess in a picture
Well let me tell you something, little boy
You wouldn't know love if it hit ya

Scared of someone who is off the wall
Kickin' and a screamin'
Don't you want a lover who can do it all?
Listen to me Jack
I ain't holdin' back

Come on and wild with me baby.