The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings butshorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We learned how to make a living, but not a life. We added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things. We cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.
I've got everything I need except a man. And I'm not one of those women
who thinks a man is the answer to everything, but I'm tired of being alone.
A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that.......
Today I was in a funk. It was probably my own fault, but knowing that only made it worse. I found solace in discovering that there are at least two words that perfectly articulate the way I was feeling – malaise and ennui. The mere fact that these words exist to so specifically describe my sentiments means that I can’t be the only one to have felt them. I take much comfort in this thought. People have been waking up “in a funk” for centuries! Malaise: a feeling of general discomfort or uneasiness; an “out of sorts” feeling
Ennui: a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom
And now, some pictures of malaise and ennui embodied…it may feel awful, but it sure looks lovely.
Quote of the week: “I dream. Sometimes I think that’s the only right thing to do.” - Haruki Murakami
If I got a tattoo tomorrow I would want it to be... something little (probably a word or phrase), on my foot or wrist, that makes me happy everytime I look it it.
Sometimes I wish...on the first star I see at night
Song you keep listening to lately: Blues In The Night by Katie Melua
Favourite item/s of clothing right now? Jeans and my long, grey & black stripey cardigan.
Before the end of the year I hope to have... gotten into a good exercise routine, cut junk food from my diet, gotten a bit of tan, figured out the meaning of life (ok, maybe thats pushing it. hehe) and gone away for a short holiday with.........
I am not one to to talk "politics". I have mine. You have yours. Enough said. I am not one to combine politics and religion. Like water and oil, to me, they do not mix. But I will say this:
I do not believe in BOOK BURNING. Especially religious books. There are many books that I do not like the content of. But I would never burn them. I choose to ignore them. To walk away from them. To not draw attention to them.
When you decide to burn a book, to me, you are just drawing attention to that which you want people to not be drawn to.
And religious books, as far as I am concerned, are off limits. It does not matter if you believe in their religious beliefs or not. A religious book, of any religion, is sacred. It's sacred to somebody.
The biggest is barely the size of my thumbprint. I had to harvest these littleones, because their leaves had shriveled. I slightly feel like I have failed with them, that I did something wrong, but I will try again next year.
Perhaps the fairies of our garden wanted these onions and stunted their growth.
It has been a while since I have seen the darkest corners of the night. I am some what of a night owl. But I usually try to make a resonable time for sleep. But the past few days sleep eludes me. And I have seen those shadowy corners of the night. I have felt there stealthy fingers reaching out to me. As I try to drift off to dream land they are there sometimes genlty shaking sometimes rattling me back to the restlessness that drapes me like a shroud.
It has been a while since I have felt this restlessness. This uncontrollable need to.....to what....change.....die......re-emerge.......reconnect.....disconnect.....move forward....move.... staty still.....retreat.....charge forward..............
I do not know what this is......it is still in the shadows.....it will not reveal itself.....not yet
I just know my eyes are heavy. my body is tired. my mind is fragmented
Right now, I am I tired of these dark corners of the night.................
This waiting for something to show itself, this emptiness needs to end..................
There are days when I feel so overwhelmed with what I have to do to end a nine year relationship. I am just one person doing all of this on my own. And right now it seems to be taking forever. Every little step that I accomplish towards that goal just seems like little steps. But I know deep down that I can not rush this process.
I have been dealing with this now for over a year. And this year seems to be as long as the nine years that I was in the relationship. I've had to put alot on hold due to family responsibilites. I have had to do one thing at time due to finances. I have had to make a deal with the devil himself to survive some of this.
I long ago reached the breaking point. The point of no return. The point when I found myself again. The me that I buried to survive the marriage. I will not go back there ever again.
If this sounds selfish so be it, but I am, at this point in my life, more important than trying to make something that, now that I look back on, should not have been, work.
I don't want that life. I don't want that person I was back then. I don't want that person that I married back then. I am more than that. I have more to offer to myself and others. I am ready and have been ready to step out into the light of a new day.
I rose from that ashes of a marriage that crumbled due to emotional and mental abuse. I lived through and survived the passing of both parents within 7 months of each other. I made it through a serious illness this past June (renal failure) with a good prognosis that all should be well as long as I take care. I finally found a permanent job that pays well. I have my own place to live. And I finally have a car of my own. These are accomplishments. But there is more to do.
And they won't come fast, but they will come. I have my car, but I still need to pay taxes and get plates. I then need to get a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. More financial strain, but I will make it through this. It's just going to take time. More time with the devil. He doesn't get to me any more. But I am ready for it to end.
So there are days like today....I go to the shower, turn the water on, as hot has I can stand it, and I let it wash over me and I cry. I cry for the sheer relief of things I've got done. And I cry for the overwhelming feeling of all that has to be done.
But, I will not let it get me down. I am ready to, ...no...I have moved on....I am moving forward with my life.......I have been now for more than a year.
I am me again. I am ready for the new life that surrounds me. I do not want to hide from anyone or anything again. I am ready live and to love again.
Crying in the shower.....good catharsis.......in so many ways........
I have so many things I want to do or achieve in this very short life and would love to look back one day, when I'm older, and be able to treasure all the amazing things I was able to experience during my life. This list is not nearly everything I want to do before I "kick the bucket", these are just a few of the dreams I've had for a very long time, but have not yet fulfilled....
1. Visit Cairo - I don't even remember when my obsession with Ancient Egypt started. I grew up wanting to be and Egyptologist. I plan to visit there as soon as possible.
2. Visit Paris - Nothing more needs to be said here. Paris says it all.
3. Create my dream home, with a walk in closet (filled with Chanel).
4. Write a book.
5. Fall In Love
6. See the Aurora borealis – I want to be overwhelmed by beauty. I want to look at the skies and think, “Of course God exists!” I want to capture the starling phenomenon on camera.