Sunday, April 29, 2012

Ramblings of a frightened little girl......

Today has been a contemplative day for me.  For the first time, I really have to admit to myself, that I am frightened.  I am unsure of what the future holds.  And this scares me to death.  There are days when I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going.  And then there are days like today.  Many days like today than I care to count. Scared and unsure.  Wandering in a world that  somehow doesn't fit anymore.  I cannot see what lies ahead because of the mist that has descended over me.  I have no sense of direction.  No star to guide me.  No landmarks to steer by.

And I know I feel this way all because of words.   Just words.  Words that people say, and yet they do not know how these words make me feel.  They might be words of friendship, comfort....but yet they cause me pain.  They bring back memories.   Memories of many things.  Many people.

I have good memories.  And I have bittersweet memories.  But I wish those memories would not come rushing all at once at me.  Memories of what was once,  what could have been, what should have been.  I am finished with the past.  But the past is not finished with me.  The more I try to move forward, the more it reahes out to me with chains of tears and frustrations.  Restraining my movements.  Making me relive past pains, losses, mistakes and what might have beens.

I cry.  I write.  I put steel down my back to withstand these memories.  And when I think I am free....all it takes is well placed kind word from someone.....and there it is....the key that unlocks the door I so carefully closed.....and everything I tried to find a place for comes spinning out at me.

And for now, I let these words and these memories come crashing at me from all sides.  It's all I can do.  And I wait.  I wait for the right words.  The words that will set me free.  Lift me up.  Give me hope.  Give me love.  I await these words breathlessly.  Anxiously.  For with these words will come new life and new memories.

For now...I am just a frightened little girl......

Dear God

Dear God

I know I am not to understand your ways, but there are times when you know I have to question.....why?
What more is there that I need to go through?  Why?  When can I be myself again?  When can I be happy?
I go where you send me.  I help who you want me to help. Are you sending someone to help me?  You've taught me that I can handle the big problems. You've thrown everything at me, and some of it all at one time.  I've been near death, twice.  And yet, you keep sending more.  Just when I think I can move forward.  Just when I think happiness is around the corner.  When you let me glimpse a glimmer of what could be (or that I hope could be) you take it away,  It's like some cruel joke.  Give her just a taste of happiness and then...poof, gone.....tis not for you.  I can face sickness, death, dying and all the other major disasters you send my way.  I know I can.  I have done it.  But, I can't stand this pulling my heart in a million different directions.  I know I will survive.  I have that much faith.  But , oh at what cost.  What is the price I have to pay?  I never, ever ask of You anything for me.  Always for others.  But, now, right now, I have to ask for myself....please stop sending my heart into a million tiny pieces of glass.  The wounds are deep.  The scars won't heal.  I just want to hear the birds sing,  smell the flowers on a hot summer day. and love....and be loved.

your humble child

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

A Change is Coming

A change is coming.  I can feel it in my bones.  You know that feeling.  When so many things are happening in your life all at one time, one right after the other.  You just know.  Life is preparing a change for you.  This time, I hope it is a good one.  I am really ready for a change.  A major shake up, if you will.  I have been dealing with do many things and issues since the passing of  my parents.  My dad worked for the government, so that takes time and paperwork to deal with his benefits.  Making sure everything that could get paid (nursing home, etc) out of those funds got paid.  Also the passing of my husband, at the same time and has left me....well...let's just say....not myself, confused, angry, sad....all of that all at the same time.  Plus some financial issues there too. 

Things right now seem to be slowly working their way to a conclusion.  Amd I think when that conclusion finally arrives, I'll be ready for whatever comes next.  Whatever change comes into my life at that time.  Whether it happens to be a town to live in, A new job. Or the same town I'm in witht he same job. But peace in my life....I'm ready.  I'm ready for some kind of change.  This time I will meet it with arms wide open.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

tapping into my wise self

i have decided to list words that sum up bits and pieces of myself and this journey that i am on to find me

white elephant
lifting up
holding space
letting go
leaning in
making a difference

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

today is good enough

hello there my friends. it's been quiet around here. and really, that is such a good thing. i have started fitting meditation into my life again. it's personal, one on one. i kind of love it, it makes me feel whole again. the moments, the silence, the time alone with my thoughts, it brings me back to a feeling of home.

these last weeks have been filled with challenges and set backs. i must say the set backs are worth it, if there is learning along the way. let me say this for the record - anxiety is a m.f !

"your going to be just fine". i think i am a positive person by nature, and i have realized, i am most drawn to people who have found a way, during the ups and downs. it seems like there are some beautiful souls, that just fold and tuck their heartache beside their hearts- only to unfold and untuck, when feeling that sharing their stories, may help another. so many people have done that for me. i hope to be that person for someone, someday. ... to outstretch my arms, hand palmfuls of words or silence, that comfort or cause laughter, at times these offerings are needed most. i think, maybe, i might have done this at times in my life. that is an important thing to me, to be there for others, show kindness first. i am so grateful for those, who have taken time with me, served me warm bowls of patience and understanding, listening while i laugh, or cry, shake like a leaf, and at times, be the bravest leader, i know how to be.

it's alright to be afraid of the unknown

fear sucks! i'm all like, fear you didn't get an invite to the party, so why are you here?! lol

handwritten letters are a beautiful form of art

an old friend is just what the heart needs at times

family is the most important thing in the world

today is...

another yummy round of homemade granola

leftovers for dinner



today is good enough. : )

i send you love and tenderness... by the palmfuls.



Tuesday, April 10, 2012

A boy asked a wise man: what is true love??

He said: go to the garden and find me one of the most beautiful flowers.

The boy went and came back empty handed,

the Man asked: did you find it??

The boy replied: I found a beautiful flower but ...I continued to search hoping to find a more beautiful flower,

but then realized i ignored the best one,

and when I went back to get I didn't find it

Then said the man: that is true love,

you don't value it when it's right in font of you,

but you know how much it's worth when you lose it