Thursday, May 31, 2012

What I Learned this Week (To Be More Brazen)

This week was filled with lessons learned.

I am a quiet person by nature.  I sit back and observe for a bit and then gradually build up to be a part of the group or conversation.  This may have cost me dearly.  This part of who I am may have cost me an opportunity to know someone that I truly wanted to find out who they were.  An opportunity to see where, if anywhere knowing this person might lead.  I have never regretted anything in my life that I have done.  But this, this possible missed opportunity will be one that I will regret.  This being the most serious lesson learned this week. 

The others are small things.  Nothing important as the first lesson, but things I've learned about myself.

I need to be more brazen.  I need to step up and ask for, work for, seek out the things I want or need in my life. Or would like to have in my life.

I need to spend more time out in nature.  I come alive when I am out in nature.  I feel free.

I prefer small intimate dinner parties rather than going out to a bar.  I prefer a select few friends, diverse friends, so the conversation can be informative and lively, good food, and a good bottle of wine.

It's ok to cry when a wisp of a memory comes floating in out of nowhere.

This week was crammed with lessons.  I really hope next week won't have quite so many.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

50 Shades of Gray (Erotic Fiction)

My whole office is reading and talking about this book, "50 Shades of Gray" by  E L James. It's the  New York Times #1 bestselling erotic fiction paperback and e-bookIt is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM.  I now have a copy of this book and I am looking forward to reading it.  Not sure if it is my cup of tea, but....I have to know what all the fuss is about.......just being curious

Sunday, May 27, 2012


Dear one,

Sometimes it's hard, isn't it? to see the beauty in things. Especially when things are collapsing, the soil is dry as bones, the cars zoomzoomzoom and make hovering black clouds that stick in our throats. How can we see beauty in skyscrapers and concrete? It was never meant to be this way. My heart aches for green grass and rainbows and fresh air. My body aches to be pure and healthy and taste fresh food instead of boxed and bagged. My spirit reaches out to a sky that has no tears, no refreshing and cleansing rain. What have we done, dear one? And how do we get it back?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

The "Sometimes" Moments

Sometimes moments....the moments in my life when I wish things were different. 
Sometime I am so tired of being "the strong one".
Sometimes I want someone else to come home to other than myself.
Sometimes I want to cook for two not one.
Sometimes I want to spend a quiet evening with someone.
Sometimes I want to go out on a date.
Sometimes I want to make love to someone
Sometimes I want someone to make love to me
Sometimes I want someone to talk to
Sometimes I just want to go out with people because they just want to be with me, not because they think they are doing me a favor by getting me out of the house/
Sometimes I just want someone to spend time with
Sometimes I am so tired of being tired
Sometimes I want someone to take care of
Sometimes I want someone to take care of me
Sometimes I just want to hold someone's hand
Sometimes I just want to be held
Sometimes I want a lot of people around me
Sometimes I want what others have....a husband, a home, a family
Sometimes I wish I were stronger
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night in someone's arms
Sometimes I wish I could just get away for a few days
Sometimes I just want to keep company with someone
Sometimes I wish I felt better than I do
Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite as old as I am
Sometimes I wish things were different.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

My theme song

This is my new theme song........I know what I want, and I will go after it with all my heart and soul......I may not get what I want but at least I gave it a try......better to have tried for it then done nothing at all.....

Saturday, May 19, 2012

this tightly stiched doll

this tightly stitched doll is coming apart at the seams, the cotton candy insides seep through the marionette strings. its carcass melts into the carpet, ribcage making concrete stalactites along the basement ceiling. itchy, twitchy butterfly wings escape the belly and float through the corridors. her blood seeps ruby waterfalls down the wallpaper and drip drips onto the floor. the house aches with her ragged breaths. tendon weeds crawl into floorboards and dancing spiders creep over windowpanes, their dusty eyelash cobwebs tangle in corners. shadows lurk behind shut doors; the shadows she's terrified of.

this poor insomniac doll.

she is tired and must rest.

the ghosts

the cheshire cat whispers to the shadows, its moon breath creeps through cracks in doors,
tip-toes across wooden floors, and dances across your sleeping face,
tangling its spider legs in your unruly hair.
i sleepwalk through the dark hallways, running my fingertips over the chipped walls,
mumbling a forgotten tune.
the ghosts with sharp teeth and bleeding eyes float along the floor, grabbing at my fractured ankles,
hoping for me to lose my footing and sink ever deeper into their sinister imprisonments,
where they will suck my blood and sew buttons into my eyes.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

the water's edge

when i walk along the water, that's when i find that place i so desperately, want to call home. maybe it's that i fall under the zodiac water sign scorpio. who knows. maybe it's because when i come home to the water, i take photographs with my heart, and not only my eyes.

i believe the water is that calming, funky, place of solitude that takes me by the hand, and says, come on in, rest, relax your bones, or dance your ass off, if the mood hits you. : )

“women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.” ― anne morrow lindbergh, gift from the sea


Monday, May 14, 2012

Child of the Ocean

i'm not comfortable in my skin.
this pale, itchy afghan that hangs awkwardly across my delicate bones
..those fairy-dusted branches..
like wispy drapes weighed down with ashes.

opal seashell stacks make staircases up my back.
inside their hollows, ghosts whisper, making waves with their lips.
maybe if you listen carefully, swollen breaths tight in your chests,
you may hear the ocean calling for its child.

the one with the pools of cracked ice;
almond skin ribbons; lobster claw lips; flushed cheeks; fish bones.
the one with waves under her surface; a hidden tsunami.
the one with wild dreams and a fluttering dolphin heart.

Who I Am

This is just a continuation of my original post "My Story"  There are just few more things that I need to put down on "paper".  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am not an easy person to live with.  I am an emotional creature.  I tend to wear my emotions on the outside.  They sometimes get away with themselves. I get mad.  Yes.  I cry at commercials.  Yes.  I feel others pain.  Yes.  If I walks away from you when I am mad, that's a good thing.  Give me some time to think things through and all will be well.  Follow me and keep arguing.  All will not be well.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  Very emphaticaly yes.  Just let me cry.  They won't last long.  The last one, that one is harder.  Harder to understand.  Harder to deal with.  I just feel things very deeply.  A gift and a curse I guess.

I am a shy person.  I have difficulty starting a conversation.  I sit and observe. I don't say much.  It's because I don't have anything to say.  It's just very difficult for me to get the words out. Not until you get to know me.  Not until I let you in.  But, I have a tendency not to let anyone in.  The ones I have let in, well, there special,  they've seen past my defenses, they've seen the real me.  They took the time to look past those defenses.

Physically, you know most of my history.  Leukemia, chemo therapy, etc.  But what a lot of people don't know is that I am a diabetic also.  Have been for awhile.  Yes I do take insulin shots.  I do everything I am suppose to do.  It's just a part of who I am now.  What I have been dealing with lately is the diagnosis of CHF, congestive heart failure.  Again, under control, for know, manageable.  I still walk, hike (althought slower), yoga, dance.  I try to avoid stairs, that one is more difficult.  But I still live an active, normal life.  I don't let any of this get in my way of living.

I am 54-years old, I think I have survived pretty well.  A lot of people, when they find out my age, do not think I am  as old as I say.  I like that.  What gray hair I have (and I do have some) really looks like very light blond streaks in my hair.  I have to watch my weight.  But here recently instead of trying not gain weight when I was younger, I have to watch that I don't lose a lot a weight at one time.  Go figure.

For the last few years, stress has been a big part of my life.  It has not helped any of the above things I just talked about.  I've had to learn to deal with this.  And learn it very fast.  But things are beginning to get better.  I am happy.  I haven't been happy for awhile.  I have everything I need.  One or two things I would like to have in my life.....someday maybe.  But for the most part life is good.  This is just a little bit of who I am.  I am much more than this.  But for now this is all that I will write.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Dear Mom

Happy Mother's Day mom.  I miss you so very much.  There is much that I wish to tell you.  So many things that have happened.  I still, on occasion, reach for the phone to call you....and then remember, you're not here.

Today, though, I've been thinking about when I was a child.  Do you remember sitting on the summer porch and brushing my long hair, trying to ge the tangles out of it.  You always wanted me to either cut it off, or put it up in a pony tail when I played outside.  I couldn't stand either.  I wanted it loose and long.  And so we would spend what seemed like hours untangling my hair at the end of the day.

I miss the Sunday mornings, when you and Daddy would dance to the music on the record player while Grandma made breakfast.  I loved watching you and Daddy dance.

I miss all of our long talks about nothing in paticular.  I miss our Saturday shopping trips.  I miss your potato salad and chocolate cake.  I just miss you.

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  But today is Mother's Day.  It's your day.  And I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day.  Thank you for being my mom.  Thank you for being there when I needed you. 

I love you Mom.

Your Daughter

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sleepless Nights

For just about a week now, I have gotten very little sleep.  My mind just races with thoughts.  I am up and down all night.  In this past week I have filled a notebook with writing and sketches and drawings.  And to me, none of it makes sense.  I cannot figure out what my mind is trying to tell me.  In the deep of the night I sometime feel like I want to scream.  But I don't.  It all comes out in the notebook.  I guess you could say I am screaming on paper.

I know that I am going through a lot right now, I've written about it the other day.....My Story.  I worry about that.  I know that that will bring change to my life.  But this, this is different.  This is a change that's coming.  A big change, not sure if it life-altering, but it feels big.  I've been through just one or two of these life-altering big changes.  I've always had someone there with me when they came. 

With this change, if that is what it is, this change scares me.  I have to go through it alone.  I can face just about anything, but right now, I feel very small, very defenseless, and ......and this a good change or a bad change.  Do I have the strength to go through it if is bad.  This time, will I not survive the struggles.  Or.....or the struggles and storms of the past finally over......I don't know.....I am usually a patient person......but now,  now my patience has got me on edge......let's just get it over with fate.....I'm so darn exhausted......I just want to move forward.....not backward.....not stay in the same place......just ......I'm so tired........

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Music is my Therapy

I don't know about anyone else...but I have learned in my 50 some years that music is my true therapy. Have you ever noticed how you can be down and out and then turn on one of your favorite songs and your mood instantly will shift?? It is amazing to me what music can do for the soul. I probably drive my husband and kids crazy with the fact that I have music on nearly 24-7...or at least during my waking hours! I go through phases of the type of music I listen to...but find that I am pretty versatile.  Loreena McKennitt is my favorite of favorites.  Here are a few for your enjoyment.......

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It's Time......This is My Story

Everyone has a story.  Everyone.  This is my story.  I do not want sympathy.  Or "I feel so sorry for you"  That is not the reason why I am telling this.  I won't accept them.  It's just the way it is.  Just the way the cards were dealt.  And I damn well won't listen to or accept, "you should have known better", "why did you let go on so long".  The telling of this is for me.  Me only.  So I can move on.  Now.

Right this very moment, I am at rock bottom.  I am at the bottom of the ironing basket looking up.  Because of a ten year marriage I let go on for far too long, and then the death of my husband just two years ago.  I am, first off, in financial ruin.  Medical bills and the IRS.  I am in the process of declaring bankruptcy.  At the same time, I am trying to pay off the debt to the IRS.  In six months, I hope, the bankruptcy will be done and over with, and I then can move on, move away, do something.  I'll still be paying the IRS, but I can live with that. 

What's the wors that can happen now.  I can find that I still don't have enough to pay rent, utilities, food, etc.  In that case, a major move will be needed.  To live with my brother for a spell.  As I write this, if that is the worst that can happen right now, I can live with it.

If fate throws in the twist of becoming ill again.  I'm not sure what I will do.  But I can live with it.  This is more of a concern to me than anything else.  You see, and not many people know this,  I have been extremely ill, twice.  Twice I almost died.  Twice I survived.  Would I even get a third chance.

I was twenty-five the first time.  I was diagnosed with Leukemia (some very long words come before that that I am not going to attempt).  I went in to the emergency room, bleeding profusely. I had lost so much blood that the Dr's told my parents, that they did not think that I would make it through the night.  That they should call the family to come to the hospital.  I was in the ICU five days.  On the sixth day, they told us what was wrong and transferred me to KU Med Ctr.  There I spent, one whole year in the hospital.  One whole year.  In isolation.  The chemo drugs they gave me.  Were strong,  Very strong they said.  Some even experimental.  They weren't sure they would work.  I was a very sick girl they told me.  And because of these drugs. and the length that I was on them - one year- they told me, if I survived, I would never be able to have children.  I survived.  I could not have children.  But to me that was not the end of the world.  I survived, that's all that mattered.

It was a slow recovery.  So much chemo has left my immune system not very good.  At first, I caught every cold, flu, everything.  But slowly it built back up.  It is not near what it should be, and I still have to take care about colds and flu.- they will knock me flat.  Once I reached the ten year mark,  I thought, this good.  I really am going to make it.  I really am a survivor.

It was at age thirty-five when I really took up the camera and the paintbrush.  Writing was there, but not so prevelent.  I began to, really live my life then.  I was happy, content, secure in my future.

At age forty-four, 9-11-2001,I met my soon-to-be husband.  For the first time, I found someone that I could sit down with and really talk to.  Not the shy mumblings.  But chatter.  About everything.  Anything.  RG had a sharp mind.  And I loved that about him.  He liked being outdoors.  I liked being outdoors.  He loved animals.  I loved animals.  He was into math, science, engineering.  I was into art, histoy and music.  So many things that seemed to fit together.  By November I had moved in with him.  By December 15, 2001 we were married.  Whirwind romance.  Yes.  Would I do anything different. No.

The fist five years were the best.  The last five years.  Not so good.  In the six year of our marriage he lost his job.  From that day forward, I was. on many occations, the sole provider in our household.  He worked here and there.  But never a steady job.  It was left soley up to me to make ends meet.  To pay bills.  Put food on the table.  Keep a roof over our head.  At this point in our marriage,  he became emotionally and mentally abusive.  He kept telling me over and over again that I wasn't doing enough.  I need to work two jobs, three jobs.  All the while at the job I had, I was working 10 hour days, 5 days a week. He just shut down, completely.  He would not discuss anything with me.  This is really a gloss over of what I endured on a day to day basis for five years. I really can't not write everything, it is too painful, I find to put into words.  Why did I stay?  Because I thought things would get better.  And at time they did.  And then they would take a turn for the worse again.  But I kept hoping.  I kept praying.

Through all of this I kept worrying, and overworking, and worrying until I finally realized I was making myself physically sick.  I just didn't know how sick.  The summer of 2009 I had decided to pack up and leave.  We argued for days about it.  Months. The emotional abuse, verbal abuse increased. I could not take anymore.The man never raised a hand to me.  He did, at the end, when all we did was argue, reach and grab my arm so tight that it left bruises.  I walked out that night, October 2009.  And moved in with my parents.  I washed my hands of him.  And our life together.  I could not take it anymore.

But fate had other plans.  Just after I moved in with my parents, my mother passed away, November 2009. That left me to take care of my father, who was blind, diabetic. and had a pacemaker.  I was dealing with the loss of my mother and trying to take care of my father and trying to work.  I becoming ill but trying not give in to it..  At Christmas 2009, my car complete broke down.  And my father, at that time, was getting sicker and spending quite a bit of time in the hospital.  I need help.  And I needed it fast.  This is when RG stepped in.  We made a deal.  He needed a place to stay.  And I needed help.  I needed to work.  But someone needed to be there with my father.  RG moved in with us.  He was there for my father and we had a vehicle to get around in.  At the time it worked.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

But we still clashed.  Still argued.  I looked forward each day to getting out of the house and going to work.  Just so I could find peace from all the tension.  But through all of this I was not taking care of myself.  I was getting sicker and not realizing it.

April, 2010.  I became so ill, I ended up in the emergency room.  I had acute renal failure.  I was placed in the acute care ward, where I got round the clock treatment.  They were not sure if I would come back from this.  My kidneys had not completely shut down yet.  But they were close.  Round the clock meds.  For one week.  With the meds, things started to improve.  But I was again close to not making.  So close that my brother was on standby at work in case he had to leave suddenly.  So close that RG had my father prepared for the worse.  And ready to bring him, wheel chair and all to the hospital.  But here I am.  I again survived.

I will, at this point say, that at this time it was not all doom and gloom.  There was a time of delicious happiness here too.  So don't be all sad.  I did have a chance to see some happiness too, Out of deep respect and an even deeper love for this person, I will not tell this part of the story.  The only reason I can give for not putting down here is that - it is mine and no one else's.  When I stand in front of St Peter and he asks why, then and only then will I tell this story.

July, 2010 my father passed away.  And yes I still let RG stay with me.  All of these things, one right after the other, I just wasn't strong enough to fight anymore.  We lived separate lives.  We had been for some time.  I just didn't have the strength to fight, to argue, to figure out a solutio.

October, 2010 RG passed away from a massive blood clot to the brain that caused a stroke.  He has the stroke on Saturday.  By Tuesday, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator.  I still struggle with that even today.

And in the end I am left fighting medical bills, IRS, etc.  Everything I ever saved was used to keep us afloat all those years ago.  I had to sell most of my camera equipment to help pay for his cremation.  There are days when my strength is not there.  There are days when I think will I ever see and end to this.  There are days when I am just numb and have no feelings.  But I have survived.  And I am moving forward.  Slowly, ever so slowly, but I am moving forward.

This is my story - my story of the last ten years.  I just needed to tell this.  I needed to tell this so I can move forward.