What I cannot delete is haunting me

an obsession that soon becomes anger

being lost in a road of suffering, just to look for hope

between darkness and light our dreams fight to find a place

a breath, perhaps the last one

and I come back to life!

Do You Want To Know A Secret.....

I was to go to my brother's today for Thanksgiving, but my poor brother is sick (he works too much until he can't do anymore and gets run down ) that we decided I would just stay home for Thanksgiving.  I told him I would be OK.  Well, I'm not.  Right now I am so tired, and scared and alone.  It has not been a good day.  I knew it would be rought, Even being with my brother and his family.  But, this has been a day from hell for me.  I did cook a turkey, but not much enjoyment with no one to share it with. (My cat is in heaven though!).  I have not uttered more than a few words with only the little kitty to talk to.  I think that might be the hardest thing to live with....I know I have a hard time with it when it is a normal week-end....but four whole days...and no one to talk with.....I'm not sure I will survive.

Through out the deaths of my mother, father, and husband, everyone has told me that I must be strong, you must be strong......well right now I am not strong.....I am sad, I am lonely, I am frightened......and I can't wait for this day to end, or the next day to end, or the next day and so on..............

If this computer screen were paper it would be tear stained..........

the secret.....my biggest fear.....being entirely alone..........has come true..............and I am not strong.

Who or What am I?

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of the titles I've held throughout my life. Think I will list some, if not most, of them here and now.


I came into the world as daughter, sister, niece, cousin, and grand-daughter. Progressively, I became nuisance, tree climber, constant reader and then - oh horrors, a teen-ager! Suddenly, I found myself as baby sitter, continued constant reader, daydreamer, aunt, receptionist, file clerk, and then, a cancer survivor.


Soon, I became a secretary, then I took on the title of administrative assistant.


I then became wife, camper, fisherman, hunter, part-time receptionist, full-time manufacturing clerk, and now my life has taken a sudden turn when I became a widow!


As I take a gander over my shoulder at all the things I've done, all the wonderful people I've met and came to know, the memorable places I've visited, the joys and sorrows encountered, and the tastes and smells of foods from all over the world (some of which you wouldn't have found me putting in my mouth EVER!), I truly believe I've had about as much pleasure and cried as many tears as any one person could expect to have in one lifetime.
Regrets? Not really, because from each mistake and/or tragedy, I learned valuable lessons and became a much stronger person! Would I want to do it all over again? At one time, I thought maybe I would, but sanity returned immediately! The past cannot be changed or altered in any way - if I didn't learn from the past, I've been a failure! If I've learned, I may not be a magnificent success, but I faced the world with bravado and said, "Come on, give me your best shot, I can take it!"


Who am I? Woman, good friend, neighbor, daughter, and I'm me the best way I know how to be.

What am I? Honest, truthful, kind, sentimental, caring, and widow! Widow doesn't describe who I am, it is merely another definition of what I am!


For some reason I felt the need to post this today - I believe it was to help me more than anyone else!

Hitchcock's Blondes

Alfred Hitchcock once said, "You know why I favor sophisticated blondes in my films? We're after the drawing-room type, the real ladies, who become whores once they're in the bedroom....Because sex should not be advertised....Because without the element of surprise the scenes become meaningless. There's no possibility to discover sex."


Exactly.

Tippi Hedren

Grace Kelly

Eva Marie Saint

Janet Leigh

Kim Novak

Ingrid Bergman

Madeline Carroll



Restless Days

Perhaps restless feelings are inevitable at such a liminal time of year as this. We stand on the cusp between autumn and winter, a poignant interval harbinging the end of the old Celtic year on October 31 and the arrival of the new year which awaits us somewhere just over the windy withered hills.


All the migrating wild creatures who are still here in the highlands seem agitated and anxious to be off on their adventures: mallard ducks, gulls and geese to name a scant handful of restless local residents who turn south on the edge of winter.


I'm restless too, and words alone don't "do it" for me at this time of the year; nor do images. Morning after morning, I scribble a few words here and regard them with impatience and disdain. I prowl through old photo archives, looking for an image which adequately describes the dark foggy day beyond the windows, the dried grasses in the garden, the wilting shrubbery, the bare and eloquent trees.


Archive prowlings at the break of day are perilous undertakings at the best of times - volume after volume of photo archives, disk after disk of images, and they all leave something to be desired. At this time of the year, I sometimes ponder flogging the cameras to a pawn shop and taking up soap operas or macrame.


What I really need right now is sunlight and clear skies, several inches of snow and a few hours of happy wandering through the woods on snowshoes: cameras slung around my neck, pockets crammed full of filters, lenses and other photographic trappings, food for the birds.
Out of the wind on such winter potterings lies a fine blue stillness, pools of articulate silence, long resonant conversations with the dreaming trees. Camus wrote that in the depths of winter, he discovered within himself an invincible summer. I suspect that for this old and creaky hen, what lies invincible within is a Lanark Highlands winter in all its sparkling snow bound grandeur.


As above, so below..... On winter mornings before sunrise the sky goes on forever, and one can almost touch the dancing stars overhead. Below the region of the winter stars, snow dunes roll away toward the limitless horizon in billows and swirls and waves, and the world is made new by wind and whiteness.

My parka and snowshoes are out of storage, and they long to set off on adventures. Let Lady Winter come, we are ready.

Only the dogs could save the people.

The city of Nome had been hit with a deadly epidemic - diptheria. Without lifesaving vacine, many, if not all, would die.


It was 1925. Anchorage had a supply, but it was nearly 1200-miles away. What could Nome do? It was winter, the ports were blocked by sea ice. Primitive airplanes were no match for the vastness of Alaska. Train tracks hadn't even been laid yet.


That left only one possibility - sled dogs. Huskies would pull a sled guided by a man (known as a "musher") and in relay fashion - one team to the next - speed the medicine across the frozen tundra to the people of Nome.


Would it work? Mail and supplies were brought in that way, but never from such a distance. However, as someone once said, "Necessity is the mother of invention." There was no other choice but to give it a try.

People watched as the musher and his team of huskies raced off into the bitter cold night, their silhouettes growing smaller, then vanishing into a low-hanging full platinum moon. Everyone held his breath.

Plumes of snow flew behind the hissing sled as the team sped across the vast dangerous expanse. What was that ahead? Tracks. Huge ones! The musher knew that if the moose that left them was still around, then danger was very close. Moose mistook sled dogs for wolves and would charge them, causing horrible injury and maybe even death. Curious pairs of glowing eyes watched from the deep woods.

Knowing that lives depended on the mission, the driver yelled "MUSH," cracking the long whip at the same time. The dogs never hesitated. The team sped on.

Tree shadows fell, like bodies , across the trail. There, across the frozen lake, what was that? It was big, and it was dark, and it was waiting. What a relief the musher felt when he was close enough to see it was one of the relay teams. The transfer of the precious vaccine was quickly made.

All across Alaska this scene was repeated. At last, the lights of Nome came into view. The cheers and applause of the waiting townspeople grew louder as the dogs, icicles hanging from their mouths, brought the medicine in. Those good and brave dogs had saved their lives.

Even the bright North Star seemed to twinkle its approval.

Sadly, these courageous dogs would be all but forgotten until 1973, when their memories were honored with a yearly event called the Iditarod (pronounced Eye-dit-a-rod). Each year in March, teams race along the same route as the original.

In Alaska, the Iditarod is the equivalent of the World Series or the Super Bowl. In 1988, Susan Butcher became the first person ever to win this punishing event three years in a row.

How proudly the Alaskan flag flew the day Susan accomplished this incredible feat! The dark blue flag, depicting the North Star above the Big Dipper, was designed by a thirteen-year-old Native American boy for a contest in 1926. The North Star represents Alaska as being our northernmost state.

Alaska, our largest state, was in 1959 the next-to-last to be admitted to the Union, ahead of only Hawaii.

The coastline alone of this giant measures 33,904 miles - 11 times the distance between New York and California. Although the state has an area of 615,230 square miles, only half a million people live there.

Also, Alaska is the only state in the Union that does not have house flies.


Would this be reason enough to make you move there?

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!


Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.


Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India , very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.


Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.


Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.


Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.


Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada , self-preserving but open to meeting new people.


After 70, she becomes Tibet , wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
 

Random Things

1. Today I feel... restless


2. Thurday I...went out to dinner with my friends from work and had a great time.  Laughter with friends is the best medicine.
 3. What's the best thing that happened this week? I have completed several things on my to do list, that is an accomplisment.
 4. Right now I would really like... a big bunch of fresh flowers, a cute french bulldog, some scented Yankee candles, a pot of tea and Christmas holidays to be here already


5. Describe yourself in one word, quote or lyric: "I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary · average every day sane psycho supergoddess" - Liz Phair (lyrics) *winks*


6. Do you dress up for halloween? If yes, tell me what has been your favourite halloween costume? I love a good costume party, so I have dressed up a few times for halloween. My favourite halloween outfit so far has to be......gypsy fortune teller

Spiritual Wellness

The word “spiritual” often elicits emotional responses and many people run away from the concept, because they equate it to religion. I feel that your religion could be one part of your spiritual wellness, but your spiritual wellness consists of so much more.



Spirituality consists of the values by which you interpret your world view, organize your day to day living and assess your way of life. It is a personal quest for understanding answers to ultimate questions about life, about meaning, and about relationships to the sacred. Spirituality is the way that you find meaning, hope, comfort and inner peace in your life. Elder Dallin H. Oaks defines spirituality as “a lens through which we view life and a gauge by which we evaluate it.”


Spirituality has positive affects on our health. There have been several studies showing how spirituality improves health and healing. President Ezra Taft Benson said that “spiritual strength promotes positive thinking, positive ideals, positive habits, positive attitudes, and positive efforts. These are the qualities which promote wisdom, physical and mental well-being and enthusiastic acceptance and response by others.”

Yes, in the end, it is YOUR core values – the perspective from which YOU interpret life and live by everyday, that defines your spiritual wellness.


Here is a test, to determine how well you are doing


The spiritual dimension of wellness involves seeking meaning and purpose in one’s life.



Read each statement carefully and respond honestly by using the following scoring:

Almost always = 2 points Sometimes/occasionally = 1 point Very seldom = 0 points



_____ 1. I feel comfortable and at ease with my spiritual life.


_____ 2. There is a direct relationship between my personal values and daily actions.


_____ 3. When I get depressed or frustrated by problems, my spiritual beliefs and values give me direction.


_____ 4. Prayer, meditation, and/or quiet personal reflection is/are important in my life.

_____ 5. Life is meaningful for me, and I feel a purpose in life.


_____ 6. I am able to speak comfortably about my personal values and beliefs.


_____ 7. I am consistently striving to grow spiritually and I see it as a lifelong process.


_____ 8. I am tolerant of and try to learn about others’ beliefs and values.


_____ 9. I have a strong sense of hope and optimism in my life and use my thoughts and attitudes in life-affirming ways.


_____ 10. I appreciate the natural forces that exist in the universe.

_______ Total for Spiritual Wellness Dimension


Score: 15 to 20 Points - Excellent strength in this dimension.


Score: 9 to 14 Points – There is room for improvement. Look again at the items in which you scored 1 or 0. What changes can you make to improve your score?

Score: 0 to 8 Points – This dimension needs a lot of work. Look again at this dimension and challenge yourself to begin making small steps toward growth here. Remember: The goal is balanced wellness.