Closing My Heart and Throwing Away the Key

This week-end I got to catch up with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  We talked about the losses that I have been through these past few months.  The passing of both parents, the end of my marriage, and the sudden passing of my husband.  We talked of other things and other people that came and went in my life throughout this.  And as we talked about all of these things, she said that she could, yes, sense the pain of loss, but that she sensed something else.  She senses that I was closing down, shutting people out.  Not letting anybody in.  I had closed up my heart.

After we hung-up, I thought about what she said.  And yes, I agree with her.  In fact, I had shut down a long time ago.  Closed off my heart and threw away key.  I just didn't want to admit it.  Everything just caved in on me.  I did not want to feel anything.  Ever.  Three very painful losses in a row for me.  The beginning of the end of 10 year marriage.  The loss of my self-esteem. The destruction of my pride.  I have gone through all of this in these many months that have passed.  Each one coming in like waves.  Pulling me down further into the abyss each time one hits. 

First, there was the end of my marriage.  Not wanting to give up, but the problems could never be worked out.  This affected my health to the point there were a couple of hospital stays to get myself healthy again.  Then the loss of my mother.  Not unexpected, but a blow none the less.  Then I let some one get close to me.  Maybe too close.  Too close to my heart.  This is where I lost my self-worth, my pride.  Who I had become.  Then the loss of my father.  He just did not want to go on without my mother.  Again, not unexpected, but again a blow that was hard to recover from.  And then, the most tragic loss.  That of my husband.  So unexpcted, so painful.  Even though we were still married, we were not man and wife.  Hadn't been for awhile.  He was there for me with my Mom and Dad.  To wake up one day and find that he had a massive stroke. And with in 4 days they tell me he has no brain function and I must make the decision to remove his breathing tube.

All of this has so overwhelmed me.  Yes.  I have shut down.  Closed off my heart.  My feelings.  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  I don't want to feel anything.  Not even love.  I know I would not survive if I had to go through these emotion again.  I'm not sure I can survive them now.  Maybe if it all hadn't happened all together.  All at once.  Maybe if it was spread out more.  I would be able to ......to what....go on....I am going on.  I get up each day......I do what I have to do.

I've just closed my heart and threw away the key.  That's all.

I Would Like to Watch You Sleeping

I would like to watch you sleeping,

which may not happen.

I would like to watch you,

sleeping. I would like to sleep

with you, to enter

your sleep as its smooth dark wave

slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent

wavering forest of bluegreen leaves

with its watery sun & three moons

towards the cave where you must descend,

towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver

branch, the small white flower, the one

word that will protect you

from the grief at the center

of your dream, from the grief

at the center. I would like to follow

you up the long stairway

again & become

the boat that would row you back

carefully, a flame

in two cupped hands

to where your body lies

beside me, and you enter

it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air

that inhabits you for a moment

only. I would like to be that unnoticed

& that necessary.

- Margaret Atwood, “Variation on the Word Sleep”

What Am I Thankful For......

Well these last two years have been tough.  No, yes, tough and painful.

What am I thankful for.....I am thankful to have had 10 years of marriage to a man, the first time I laid eyes on him I said I was going to marry him.  I did, four months after we met.  The last year of our marriage before he passed away, was very difficult.  We had differences that we could not work out.  But I would not do anything differently.  I would do it all over again.  In a heartbeat.  I am thankful that I had this time with him.

I am thankful for my brother.  Who has been there for me.  We haver our differences.  But he was there.

I am thankful to have had a cat (yest a cat) for those months just after my husband passed away.  He was my constant companion, my pillow to cry on, the only reason I looked forward to coming home in the evening.

I am thankful for my friends, my co-conspirators at work.  Without these women, I would not have made it.  They understood when in the middle of the day, tears would come out of the blue. 

I am thankful for an herbal shower (yes!) where I can (even today) cry and cry and cry.  The herbs and the hot water seem so cathartic.

I am thankful for finding old classmates and and renewing those friendships.

I am thankful for knowing someone, who, well let's just say, is the other half of my soul.  Someone I care deeply for.  Someone I carry deep inside of my heart.  I would like to think that if we had been given the chance, it would have been pure magic  There are those we love.  And then there are those that we love, deeply, endlessly for all time, throughout the ages.  This man is that love.

I am thankful for being who I am.  I am thankful for the pain, yes the pain, that I have had to go through.  For without that pain I would not be who I am or where I'm at in my life right now.

I am thankful for my God, for without Him, I don't know where I would be.  Thank You.