Sunday, August 29, 2010

There are Days I Wish I Would Not Have to Go Through..........

There are days like today that I wish that I would not have to go through.  They start off nice and easy, my Sunday morning breakfast on the river.  A nice way to start a Sunday.  But then sometimes the feelings deep inside of me that I try to control, try not to let overwhelm me come crashing forth to the surface and all I can do is just let them come.  These feelings of being oh so alone in this world.  Of not being good enough for anyone.  Of not being perfect for anyone.  Of not being the right person for anyone. 

The thought of being alone, with no one to share with, does not really scare me.  It really does not.  If there is no one for me for the rest of my days I really can live with it. But there are days when I would give anything for the companionship of another human to share with. On those days I  just ask the heavens above to let me find someone I can trust in, believe in, share with and love and who will trust in me, believe in me, share with me and love me for who I am, someone to share my life with.

It is these days that bring me to my knees sometimes.  That take the wind from sails.  That make me shed the tears that I hold deep inside.  This is when the loneliness takes hold and won't let go.
And all I can do is hang and let this emotional rollercoastes ride complete it's cycle.  This is when I truly feel like just giving up and giving in to this creature called loneliness.  These are the days that the tears can come from out of nowhere at anytime.  I could be at work, or I could be doing errands, anything, anytime.  They just come and I can't stop them.

So on these days the melancholy slips in the door and I am in  a gloomy state of mind for awhile. 
And many think that when you are gloomy, or in a mood like this, the best thing is to give you room or space.  Wrong.  At least for me.  Sometimes I want to be left alone, but I would prefer that people engage me in some for conversation.  Because the reason I am in a melancholy funk is that I am alone most of the time.  Being alone is what put me in this state......

Ah well, the mystery of life and emotions, a challenge to be sure, but one I think that we all go through at some time or other in our lives.  We work through it, we live with it, we get to the other side.  Until the next time.........

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