I want to give you my everything,
but your hands are still full
with the one who came before me.

I woke up wanting your lips on mine.
I woke up wanting your arms around my waist.
I woke up wanting our hands laced together.
I woke up wanting to gaze into your eyes.
I woke up wanting you.

Oh, the hour was late, and lord my day was long, the shower only washing off the physical grime of the day. I was trying to unwind and still even swaddled in my favourite soft, soft pajamas did nothing to help. I sighed, reaching for my ringing phone, I knew who was on the end of the ringing phone and the thought brought a smile to my face.

The sweet sound of his hello was like soft loose flower petals falling to my cheeks, caressing softly. Gravity pulling their velvety fingertips along my skin, causing a sweet sensation, a total relaxed laziness to wash over me, every tension quickly ebbed. I always marvel how this universe works, how over blazing distance, through the myriad of technological bliss his voice traveled. It traversed mountains and valleys, rivers, deserts and bays to nestle sweetly into my ear, to drip slowly like honey into my brain. At first we are both shy, but as all things in this universe go it fell into an easy motion. His voice reverberated, the vibrations of his low tone flowed and trickled over my senses. It softly tickled and trilled, thrilling me to the bone.

It may seem strange or even silly to find such a thing so thrilling, but of all the gifts that could be given this was my favorite. The thought and the time put into it, the personal touch, if only paltry words, were like a treasure to me. I could see the refracting color of diamonds, I could almost taste it like thick red wine on my tongue. Oh, and like wine that voice produced interesting reactions in my body and soul. I laid back slowly letting my eyes drift closed, setting myself afloat on a raft of possibility. The moment would have been just as scintillating if he were reading the dictionary or perhaps a take-out menu to me, but these words seemed to match the resonance and it was positively quixotic

His words caressed my ear in such puddle-wonderful ways, they lightly kissed the rim of my ear with more than perfect syntax. I felt sensual and feminine, I rolled my head holding the phone to my ear, feeling his sweet lips caress the words and my skin. I stretched feeling sultry and kitten like. I opened the tender parts of my sensitive neck for his verbal ministrations. He dropped the symphony of his voice to barely a whisper. As if this was a truly dazzling, dark red, beautiful secret that he breathed along the edge of my lips. A nearly supplicant confession that he read, but it came to me as from his soul, that he liked my body… when it was with his body. His rich rumbling words tumbled deep in his chest, and breathed out as a near sigh that he liked the how’s and why’s, the feel of the spine of my body and its bones… and the trembling of my limbs. I purred feeling the words like hands flowing, his tone like kisses along my skin, on my lips. Those words, that ebullient vibration that carried them pulled at my soul, arching my back and parting my lips yearning for more kisses. I ran my tongue along my bottom lip in welcome.

I lazily rolled to my side, my mind seeking, my soul alive and my body responding, nestling closely into the arms of his verse he chanted let it go, and yes I did, I let go all the weight on my soul. The days, the weeks, the years, hopelessness, and heartbreak, every pall upon my soul dropped like the leaded weight that they were and all of the universe was he and I. I knew not any sunshine friend, when all I felt was his always omnipresent beauty. I let go of it all, forgotten was everything, but that

susurrate roll of thunder that deliciously licked at my ear, mmm that nipped at my neck.

Nothing which is perceived in this world equals the power of our momentary intense fragility, our open, freely feeling, sampling, tasting, breathing… loving, and yet it didn’t matter that he wasn’t even in the room. He wasn’t even in the same city, but alas… mmm this dalliance was beyond anything ever written, felt, or understood, and it was mine. May I feel he pled, mmmm But I’ll squeal, I said. I felt his sigh against my face, and the kiss to my forehead and those strong arms holding me as I softly, sweetly, for once in the longest time peacefully slipped into a beautiful dreamed sleep

It was a cool summer night. The blue velvet darkness dotted by bits of light coming from the buildings around me. I knew you the moment you stepped out of the darkness. Everything about you was familiar. The hat tipped over the eyes. The dancing, cool eyes. Oh, those dancing, cool eyes. A slight, mischievous smile. The long, graceful strides you took up the walkway to reach my side. All, all of it was as familiar to me as if I had known you all my life. And yet, it was the first time I had laid eyes on you. You were so familiar, this feeling of knowing you all my life, knowing you somewhere in time before, left me awestruck, dazed and confused. You reached for my hand, pulled me into an embrace and kissed the top of my head. I felt like I had been in those arms many, many times before. I felt safe, secure, where I was supposed to be, where I had always been. I wanted to stay there in that embrace for as long as I possibly could. I wanted to melt into you and for both of us to melt into the blue velvet of the night. I wanted to drown in those dancing, cool eyes, as emotions and moods filtered through them as we talked and held each other. I wanted to get lost in your embrace and your eyes. Yes, I miss those strong, warm arms, but I miss looking into those dancing, cool eyes the most.

I started this blog just a little over six years ago.  Just after my mother passed away.

I started, 1) because I love to write and wanted to share what I wrote with others and 2) to help me through the pain of loss, the loss of my mother.  Little did I know that within one year of starting this blog I would lose the three most important people in my life, my mother, my father, and my husband.  All within one year, November 2009, July 2010 and October 2010, the people I loved passed over to the other side.

So this blog, at that time, was my safe haven, my place to heal, survive, question, pray, cry.....everything just to get through that first year and the next two years after. And then for a little bit, it became my creative outlet.  I used it to work on my writing skills.  And just write.

And then, several years passed, and life took over, and I stopped writing here.  I did not stop writing.  I just stopped writing here.

But now I have decided to resurrect this blog from the ashes.  I have written so many things, journal upon journal of writings I want to share.  And I also find that I have need of the healing, catharsis aspect of this blog again.  Not because I have lost someone to death.  No, I lost something else.  Something that I need to figure out why I lost it.  Where did it go.  And can I ind something like it again.  Questions.  So many questions, but no answers.

Here in this blog I wish to explore those questions and see if I can find those answers,  And to those of you who are still following this blog, thank you.  Thank you for staying with me and welcome on this new journey with me.

Please also note, that at times there might be strong language and adult content written about in this blog.  It is all part of the journey, all part of the questions being asked and the answers sought.

I Love You Without Knowing...

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. 

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride. 

So I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, 

in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, 

so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.

Pablo Neruda

Yes. This is Love.

Some may call it Unconditional. Some may call it Love.

Simply that. Love. Unconditional Love.

When you Love, because there is no reason, other than Love.

I bow down graciously with respect to Pablo Neruda.

One of the poets whose words, have always found a way of touching my heart.

When I read his poetry, it makes we wish I spoke Spanish.

Simply so I could feel and touch the words, the way he wrote them from his own heart.

Much Loves,

The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.
~Frederic Lawrence Knowles?


half of our body is illuminated, and half of our body is in dark shadow.
this is the natural balance of things. it cant be all light. not yet. so the
best we can do is be ok with the shadow... sometimes the shadow is
loneliness. sometimes it is sorrow. sometimes it is disagreement. & on
the worst days, it is a monster inside that we didnt know we could be.
oh! how we think we should be so much better than we are by now!?
and the tricky thing about shadow is... the more we think about it, the
more it gobbles up the light. and we swirl in fear & guilt & confusion.
yesterday my shadow was in the form of a heron.. it sat on the edge of
water & spied me. i had to face my heron but i didnt have the strength.
thats when i fell in a deep sleep on my pillows. my legs became a tree
trunk and my body was as heavy as an elephant. i stayed very still...
i wanted to ascend into pure love and light... but i was way too afraid.
thats when it happened. thats when i was moon-cooled... a light fairy
took me to the moon & i rested in the place where the shadow meets
the light. i stayed there for some time just waiting. then she began to
pour light blue sand over the top of me. it fell down in cold powdery
waves until i was covered in a cone of sea-blue sand. i stayed there
in my tipi where it was cool. dwelling in peace. in a cone of neutrality.
until i could move again... when i got up, the inside of me was steady
and my arms were light. i sat up on the edge of my nest and blinked.
i had found moon-cooled neutrality & it was a simple weapon to grasp.
i looked at the heron right in the eye and did not feel one single thing.