My Dearest Raymond

My Dearest Raymond

It is time to write these words to you
In the silence I can hear you calling my name like a lark in the meadow.
In the evening shadows I feel your presence so close standing next to me/
In the deep night of sighs I can hear the sound of beating wings as you watch over me.
In these fleeting moments you are still here with me.  I am not alone anymore.
In these shadowy moments I cry and you hold me.  And I love you once more.
In these days when I feel so alone, so frightened, you come to me and say ' I am still here with you.'
In these  moments only you and the pillow I cry in know that if I could be with you I would.
I am caught between the veils of the worlds.....stay in the shadows with you or move forward into a new life.
I am betwixed and between
For there are days when I am so lonely, your memory rises to the surface and I just want to stay there forever.
Friends think I am no longer sad.  I hide the sadness much better now.  The sadness is still there.
All I ever wanted was to grow old with you.  You always said we would not.  You were right.  We will not grow old together. How did you know? I am the one who knows things, sees things, but this, this one thing was veiled to me.
There are days when I have lost all hope.  There are days that I just don't want get up out of bed. There are days that I miss you so much. Those are not so close to together as they once were, but I still have them.
I find the weekends the hardest.  They were the days we did everything together...road trips, shopping, you letting me sing off-key and not complain, dancing with me when you don't like to dance, messing with your HAM radios seeing how far we can reach and in what language, going to the zoo because I wanted to see the big cats,  me asking you hundred of questions about nothing and you patiently answering my questions. I have so many more questions about nothing, but no one to ask them to.  I really, really never thought I would be so alone right now.Never.
I miss you very much.

I loved you and I love you
The one you left behind
Your wife
Jan
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