Through The Looking Glass

Once upon a time there was girl who found a looking glass.  A very beautiful looking glass.  She treasured this looking glass.  One while admiring this looking glass the glass began to go all soft like gauze.  It was beginning to turn into a mist, the glass was beginning to melt away, just like a bright silvery mist.

And then all of sudden, she tumbled through the glass.  And was falling.  No, not really falling, floating down. Downward through a kaleidoscope of colors.  Beautiful colors.  Deep, rich colors.  She had never seen anything  like it before.

But then, then the colors began to fade.  They began to fade to a gray mist.  And still she floated downward.  And the gray mist turned to a more darker shade of gray, not quite black but gray.

And then with a gentle thud, she landed at the bottom.  Not sure where she was, she stood and looked around for something, anything familiar.  Nothing.  Nothng was familiar.  It was all shades of gray and gloomy.

Where should she go.  What should she do.  She had no clue.  She was lost.  Unable to move.  And then in the distance she heard a noise.  It did not frighten her.  It wasn't that kind of noise.  It was somethine, no, someone talking.  Talking to who.  She could just barely hear them.  They were definitely talking.  Were they talking to her. 

They were coming closer, she could hear them.  Not sure where they were.  But she could hear them.  And then...there he was.  Bursting forth from the gray...the Mad Hatter.  Chattering away, he definitely was talking to her.  Wanting her to follow him.  "Come" he said,  "come to the party.  You are invited.  We shall have such a mad time there." 

He was like no other she had seen or met before.  Full of words, and stories.  He was charming and sweet and funny.  He was completely mad!  And she followed.  What else could she do?  The maddness was catching.

And so she went to the party.  A beautiful party it was too.  Full of laughter, playfulness and maddness.  The kaleidoscope of colors returned too.  Dancing around them, creating a magical feel to whole thing.

And then, just as quickly as he came, the Mad Hatter left the party.  She was having such a good time, that she did not see him leave.  It saddened her that he left.  But really it was only the Mad Hatter that left.  Not the laughter, nor the playfulness, nor the maddness.  They were still there to delight her.  And delight her they did.

But out of the corner of her eye, something caught her attention.  A flash of white.  A glint of blue eyes.  A hint of silver.  That rarest of all the creatures that she cherishes.  The White Rabbit.

There he was, watching her, wanting to communicatem but unable to.  For many things keep the White Rabbit constantly on the go.  Never truly taking the time to stop.  Always looking at his silver pocket watch.  Never truly letting anyone in to his world.

She beckons to him to come.  Come to the party.  Take just a little time and enjoy all that is laid out before him.  She sees the hesitation, she sees that he wants to come and join her. But then that darn silver pocket watch calls to him and he is off again.  Off in search of.....what?

So she is left there at the Tea Party by herself,  watching the others who are there enjoying the party and all it has to offer.  Hmmm, the party has lost some of its magic.  It's a little tarnished arund the edges.  The delights are no longer delightful. 

As she sits at the table, she catches another glimpse of the White Rabbit as he flashes by.  Off in the distance she can hear the Mad Hatter's laugh.  Oh so weary, she lays her forehead on her arms that folded on the table.  She closes her eyes just to rest for a second or two, before she tries to find a way home.......and she quietly sleeps......and when she wakes up.......she is back home in her own room staring at the beautiful looking glass.

Was it just a dream.......my imagination gone wild.......no, for in my hands are......the White Rabbit's silver pocket watch and the Mad Hatter's Hat.

The Mad Hatter's Hat has a place of honor next to the looking glass.  Every now and then I can hear his laugh come from the looking glass and I smile

And I carry the White Rabbit's watch with me, hoping to catch a glimpse, hoping that he'll stop long enough to.......

There are Days I Wish I Would Not Have to Go Through..........

There are days like today that I wish that I would not have to go through.  They start off nice and easy, my Sunday morning breakfast on the river.  A nice way to start a Sunday.  But then sometimes the feelings deep inside of me that I try to control, try not to let overwhelm me come crashing forth to the surface and all I can do is just let them come.  These feelings of being oh so alone in this world.  Of not being good enough for anyone.  Of not being perfect for anyone.  Of not being the right person for anyone. 

The thought of being alone, with no one to share with, does not really scare me.  It really does not.  If there is no one for me for the rest of my days I really can live with it. But there are days when I would give anything for the companionship of another human to share with. On those days I  just ask the heavens above to let me find someone I can trust in, believe in, share with and love and who will trust in me, believe in me, share with me and love me for who I am, someone to share my life with.

It is these days that bring me to my knees sometimes.  That take the wind from sails.  That make me shed the tears that I hold deep inside.  This is when the loneliness takes hold and won't let go.
And all I can do is hang and let this emotional rollercoastes ride complete it's cycle.  This is when I truly feel like just giving up and giving in to this creature called loneliness.  These are the days that the tears can come from out of nowhere at anytime.  I could be at work, or I could be doing errands, anything, anytime.  They just come and I can't stop them.

So on these days the melancholy slips in the door and I am in  a gloomy state of mind for awhile. 
And many think that when you are gloomy, or in a mood like this, the best thing is to give you room or space.  Wrong.  At least for me.  Sometimes I want to be left alone, but I would prefer that people engage me in some for conversation.  Because the reason I am in a melancholy funk is that I am alone most of the time.  Being alone is what put me in this state......

Ah well, the mystery of life and emotions, a challenge to be sure, but one I think that we all go through at some time or other in our lives.  We work through it, we live with it, we get to the other side.  Until the next time.........

Geese and Journal Pages

I was out this eveningg watering and weeding, a quiet time with only the sound of birds, a dog now and then, and the neighbors rooster in the distance. I heard a chorus of honking in the distance and looked up to see a flock of Canadian geese approaching. As they flew over the sound of their wings was almost palpable, I felt like I could almost feel the breeze they created as they flew by. It's always a joy to see a flock of birds...

And working in my journal, I'm realizing more and more, is such a powerful circuit into myself. I tap into what's on the surface but the surprises come when I let myself go, directionless, and am often surprised by the outcome....

drawing on photo of cedar

Twenty years from now

You will be more disappointed by the things

That you didn't do

Than by the ones you did do ~

So throw off the bowlines

Sail away from the safe harbor

Catch the trade winds in your sails...

Explore ~ Dream ~ Discover

~ Mark Twain ~

My Secret

I knew if I wrote belly dancing, my secret would be out: I like to belly dance. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not ashamed. It’s just that some people still have the wrong idea about belly dancers. They think they dress up in skimpy outfits to gyrate and jiggle solely for the attention of men, and that belly dancing is nothing more than a form of foreplay.

Unfortunately, it’s nothing new. Women who like to belly dance have faced that stereotype since the Middle Eastern dance form made its first big splash in America at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair.

It’s also not fair. Although there are dancers who exploit the stereotype, there is a far greater number attracted to belly dance for the same reasons I am: it’s a great source for friendship, fitness and fun.

I know – it’s not nearly as compelling as the seductive stereotype, but it’s the truth. Although I signed up for my first belly dance lesson to get a different form of exercise, a big reason I’ve been hooked for nearly twenty years is because of the people I’ve met and the friends I’ve made. You’ll meet all kinds of women in a belly dance class, from college-age students to corporate executives, and everything in between. And what you quickly find is that those outside roles mean little. Everyone comes to the class or workshop for the same reason – to dance. Having that in common has a tremendous equalizing effect, and it’s truly surprising how quickly bonds form between fellow dancers.

Belly dance is also great exercise. Anyone who has attempted a shimmy, serpent arms or a camel walk knows how much muscle control, flexibility, endurance and core strength they require to do well. And unlike gyms, where many of us feel self-conscious if we aren’t already in great shape, belly dance welcomes all ages and body types. It’s usually just a room full of women, so you needn’t worry about your makeup, hair or what you wear – as long as you’re comfortable and you can move. (Sounds good, doesn’t it? )

The biggest reason I’ve stuck with belly dancing all these years is it’s simply a lot of fun. Of course I love the music and movement – I even like the chance to feel a little sexy now and then – but mostly I love being in an environment with so many women helping, supporting and entertaining each other. After all, belly dance didn’t start out as a performance art, or even an art of seduction. It evolved in the home as a social dance by women for women. Friends and family members gathered and danced for each other as an expression of joy and camaraderie.

Unfortunately, that’s not what comes to mind these days when you tell people you belly dance. So for the longest time I didn’t tell co-workers or casual acquaintances about my pastime – but now I smile and say, “Yes, I belly dance.” Sometimes that’s met with an awkward smile or a stifled giggle, and I wonder if they’re envisioning something like a Salome, an “I Dream of Jeannie” genie or worse. Other times, though, they want to know more and I have the opportunity to tell them about its great qualities. Then, on a few rare and happy occasions, something I never would’ve expected happens: they tell me later they became more curious about belly dancing and signed up for a class themselves. And it never fails, I can see that familiar gleam in their eye and I know they’re hooked, too.

Discoveries

Discoveries are made everyday.  Discoveries are made every second of a day. Scientists make new discoveries.  Archeologist find old discoveries.  Babies discover a multitude of things in just 5 minutes.  Each of us discover something new or something old everyday. 

Some of the discoveries we make each day are about ourselves.  Some we are overjoyed at and some we would like to push back into the bottom of the basket.  But still we discover and we learn and we move on to the next discovery or experience.

These past few months I have made some discoveries.  Some are new and some are old.  Some I am overjoyed at and some I want to push back deep into that basket.  But for all the good and bad they are here to stay with me through the long haul.  Let me share with you some of what I have discovered.

This one I have known quite a while but have not let it be known or talked to others about it who are not of the same belief.  I am a Pagan.  I practice a Pagan/Goddess Path.  Which means I look at the divine as feminine.  A Mother Goddess.  I observe Pagan Holidays:  Samhain, Yule, Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lughnasadh, Mabon.  I follow the cycles of the moon.  I work with herbs.  And generally try to follow the Old Ways handed down by my grandmother. A few friends who are not Pagan have suspected but have not said anything.  But now it is on the table.  I do not and will not discuss anything on this blog about my Pagan path.  I have another blog just for that.

"I might not be the most beautiful, or the sexiest, nor do I have the perfect body. I might not be first choice, but I'm a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not because I'm too good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things i've done in the past but I am proud of who I am today! Take me as I am...or watch me as I walk away."

The above quote came to me via a friend and has stuck with me for awhile.  I like who I am.  I know who I am. I know what I've been through.  I know where I want to go.  There isn't one of these laugh lines that I would erase.  I've earned everyone of them.  I lived a millin miles of memories and I won't trade them for anything or anybody because I don't fall within there concept of beauty. 

If you dismiss me out of hand because I do not or did not meet some sort of "standard" or because you don't care for my beliefs or you could not look any deeper than the outside and not really see what's on the inside, then I feel sorry for you.  Because you have not done any growing up.  You are the one with the problem not I.  You are the one who needs to make some discoveries of your own to find out who you really are.

I treat people the way I would like to be treated.  With respect, kindness, and love.  I will always extend a hand of friendship to anyone.  If you cannot do the same for me then it is your loss not mine.

It used to bother me that people could do that to me.  And I would then be the one to say 'Oh I am so sorry that I didn't measure up to your standards.  You hurt my feelings, but it was my fault.  Not yours.  I am so sorry"  I would be the one apologizing for the other person's treatment of me.  I can no longer do that.  I will no longer do that.

The above "discovery" was a rant! But a discovery none the less.

One last discovery, but on a much brighter note.  I have, for so long, put my art my writing, and my dance on the back burner.  Never really indulging as much as I wanted to.  But these days I feel so much freer to express myself through these.  These two discoveries have changed my life.  Made me feel confident again.  I can express who I am, what I am feeling, where I have been, where I want to go through these three forms of self-expression.   The art is Digital Collage and painting, the writing, of course are my blogs, poetry, short stories, and my dance, my dance is bellydance (a stunning way of self-expression).

These are just a few of the many discoveries I have made.  What are some of yours?

But You Got To Have Friends......(My Gray Mfg Friends)

Oh, you got to have friends,

the feeling's oh so strong.

You got to have friends

to make that day last long.

 

Oh and do I have some friends!  The best people in the world!  My lovely friends at my work gave me a beautiful bracelet the other day.  It was one I had been looking at for a awhile and really wanted.  But at the time that I would have gotten it, my father passed away and I was dealing with that emotional  watershed.  Plus I was trying to get my "new" used car.  And someone I care deeply about was half a world away and I was missing him and trying to keep him in my thoughts for a safe journey and safe return. 

 

Let's just say that week was difficult, packed with so many emotions going through me,  sadness at my loss, frustrated with trying to get a car and really finding out how much you can miss someone (though the good part about that week is that we did have some "conversations", albeit short, between us.

 

But back to the bracelt and the friends...these wonderful girls that I work with knew how hard that week was on me and that I really wanted that bracelet.  They got together and bought that bracelet for me.  Tears come to my eyes even as I write this.....this gesture of friendship has moved me in ways that I can not explain to them.  I love these girls, they have been through a lot with me, they know my secrets, my desires, my hopes.  They know me.  I do not know what I would do with out them.

 

So here, into the Universe I send my deepest love and respect and hearfelt thanks to you ....

Lori, Christina, Marily, and Raenae......I do not think I would have made it through some of the tough time without you.....I am so thankful to God for bringing you guys into my life.