Closing My Heart and Throwing Away the Key

This week-end I got to catch up with an old friend I hadn't talked to in a while.  We talked about the losses that I have been through these past few months.  The passing of both parents, the end of my marriage, and the sudden passing of my husband.  We talked of other things and other people that came and went in my life throughout this.  And as we talked about all of these things, she said that she could, yes, sense the pain of loss, but that she sensed something else.  She senses that I was closing down, shutting people out.  Not letting anybody in.  I had closed up my heart.

After we hung-up, I thought about what she said.  And yes, I agree with her.  In fact, I had shut down a long time ago.  Closed off my heart and threw away key.  I just didn't want to admit it.  Everything just caved in on me.  I did not want to feel anything.  Ever.  Three very painful losses in a row for me.  The beginning of the end of 10 year marriage.  The loss of my self-esteem. The destruction of my pride.  I have gone through all of this in these many months that have passed.  Each one coming in like waves.  Pulling me down further into the abyss each time one hits. 

First, there was the end of my marriage.  Not wanting to give up, but the problems could never be worked out.  This affected my health to the point there were a couple of hospital stays to get myself healthy again.  Then the loss of my mother.  Not unexpected, but a blow none the less.  Then I let some one get close to me.  Maybe too close.  Too close to my heart.  This is where I lost my self-worth, my pride.  Who I had become.  Then the loss of my father.  He just did not want to go on without my mother.  Again, not unexpected, but again a blow that was hard to recover from.  And then, the most tragic loss.  That of my husband.  So unexpcted, so painful.  Even though we were still married, we were not man and wife.  Hadn't been for awhile.  He was there for me with my Mom and Dad.  To wake up one day and find that he had a massive stroke. And with in 4 days they tell me he has no brain function and I must make the decision to remove his breathing tube.

All of this has so overwhelmed me.  Yes.  I have shut down.  Closed off my heart.  My feelings.  I don't want to hurt like this ever again.  I don't want to feel anything.  Not even love.  I know I would not survive if I had to go through these emotion again.  I'm not sure I can survive them now.  Maybe if it all hadn't happened all together.  All at once.  Maybe if it was spread out more.  I would be able to ......to what....go on....I am going on.  I get up each day......I do what I have to do.

I've just closed my heart and threw away the key.  That's all.

I Would Like to Watch You Sleeping

I would like to watch you sleeping,

which may not happen.

I would like to watch you,

sleeping. I would like to sleep

with you, to enter

your sleep as its smooth dark wave

slides over my head

and walk with you through that lucent

wavering forest of bluegreen leaves

with its watery sun & three moons

towards the cave where you must descend,

towards your worst fear

I would like to give you the silver

branch, the small white flower, the one

word that will protect you

from the grief at the center

of your dream, from the grief

at the center. I would like to follow

you up the long stairway

again & become

the boat that would row you back

carefully, a flame

in two cupped hands

to where your body lies

beside me, and you enter

it as easily as breathing in

I would like to be the air

that inhabits you for a moment

only. I would like to be that unnoticed

& that necessary.

- Margaret Atwood, “Variation on the Word Sleep”

What Am I Thankful For......

Well these last two years have been tough.  No, yes, tough and painful.

What am I thankful for.....I am thankful to have had 10 years of marriage to a man, the first time I laid eyes on him I said I was going to marry him.  I did, four months after we met.  The last year of our marriage before he passed away, was very difficult.  We had differences that we could not work out.  But I would not do anything differently.  I would do it all over again.  In a heartbeat.  I am thankful that I had this time with him.

I am thankful for my brother.  Who has been there for me.  We haver our differences.  But he was there.

I am thankful to have had a cat (yest a cat) for those months just after my husband passed away.  He was my constant companion, my pillow to cry on, the only reason I looked forward to coming home in the evening.

I am thankful for my friends, my co-conspirators at work.  Without these women, I would not have made it.  They understood when in the middle of the day, tears would come out of the blue. 

I am thankful for an herbal shower (yes!) where I can (even today) cry and cry and cry.  The herbs and the hot water seem so cathartic.

I am thankful for finding old classmates and and renewing those friendships.

I am thankful for knowing someone, who, well let's just say, is the other half of my soul.  Someone I care deeply for.  Someone I carry deep inside of my heart.  I would like to think that if we had been given the chance, it would have been pure magic  There are those we love.  And then there are those that we love, deeply, endlessly for all time, throughout the ages.  This man is that love.

I am thankful for being who I am.  I am thankful for the pain, yes the pain, that I have had to go through.  For without that pain I would not be who I am or where I'm at in my life right now.

I am thankful for my God, for without Him, I don't know where I would be.  Thank You.

By the Light of a Blue Lamp

Hello, my dear one

It seems our paths have crossed once again.

The last time together seems so long ago,

So many worlds away from now.

And yet, not that long ago.

We parted, my dear one, on not the best of terms.

Both of us wounding the other deeply.

I thought that I had put you out of my mind, my heart.

And yet, like the mist that rolls in over the hills,

You have slowly drifted back in.

My dear one,

I write this by the light of a blue lamp

The meloncholy blue

 that floats around me when I think of you.

That meloncholy blue of what if, what could have been.

I want to wish upon stars for your kiss,

I want to whisper your name to the shadows at midnight,

I want to cry out to the moon for your touch upon me,

I want to.....I want to.......

My dear one, I want to know you again.

By the light of a blue lamp,

This meloncholy blue lamp, I write these words

Hoping they find their way to you

My dear one, I am so deeply sorry

I am so deeply sorry for the pain I  have caused you

I am sorry for not being who or what you wanted

I am sorry for words said in pain and anger

I am sorry for never having the chance

To show you how much you mean to me

My dear one, I write this to you

These words are all I have

Please forgive this scribe

For putting down these words

By the light of a blue lamp.

"Witchy Woman"

Raven hair and ruby lips

sparks fly from her finger tips

Echoed voices in the night

she's a restless spirit on an endless flight

wooo hooo witchy woman, see how

high she flies

woo hoo witchy woman she got

the moon in her eye

She held me spellbound in the night

dancing shadows and firelight

crazy laughter in another

room and she drove herself to madness

with a silver spoon

woo hoo witchy woman see how high she flies

woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye

Well I know you want a lover,

let me tell your brother, she's been sleeping

in the Devil's bed.

And there's some rumors going round

someone's underground

she can rock you in the nighttime

'til your skin turns red

woo hoo witchy woman

see how high she flies

woo hoo witchy woman

she got the moon in her eye

These are a few things I know about me:

I love to dance in the moonlight.
I love to dance in the rain.
I like ice cold root beer on a hot summer night
I like Darjeeling tea
I like hot chocolate on a cold winter night
I prefer Fall to Summer
I love to hear the sound of, and see geese flying overhead
I love fog
I prefer night to day
I love snowy owls
I like to cuddle with the one I love
I like a man with deep intelligence and a little sarcastic wit
I have a thing for blue eyes
I have a thing for men in uniform ( preferably military)
I have a thing for an Irish accent
Chinese or Italian food? Chinese
Italian or Mexican food? Italian
I love the sound of a wolf's howl.
I love the purr of a cat.
I like the unconditional love of a dog
I prefer the written word
I prefer a book over a Kindle
If I could, I would travel the world
I love a good mystery
I am as curious as a cat
I am sometimes as mysterious as a cat
I worry too much
I feel things deeply (sometimes too deeply)
I can be a perfectionist at work
I sometimes like being alone
I sometimes can't stand being alone
I don't swim
I love the sound of water
I love being around water.
I don't drink, except for a glass of wine on occasion, and even rarer margarita if out with the girls
I don't smoke, never have
I don't do drugs, never have
I like antiques and vintage items
I love music
I love art
I love photography
I am a quiet person, but will open up once I get to know someone
I like someone who can make me laugh, really laugh
I cry very easily ( even at sappy commercials)
I like to cook
I like to play Scrabble
I play way to much Solitaire
I am a Spiritual person
I can sit for hours an look at the night sky and ponder many things
......I like someone who can make me laugh, really laugh........

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time, there was a girl, who lived in the land of dreams unreal.

Once upon time her hopes had diedm no one left to hear her futile cry. No place left to hide.

Once upon a dream a man would come and give her everything she wants and loves. But in the morning she’ll awake and bitterness will surround her.

Once upon a time Cinderella said to Snow White “How did love get so off course. All I wanted was a white knight with a good heart, soft touch, fast horse. Ride me off into the sunset. Baby I’m forever yours.

Once Upon A Time……..