I Love You Without Knowing...

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. 

I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride. 

So I love you in this way because I know no other way of loving but this, 

in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, 

so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.

Pablo Neruda

Yes. This is Love.

Some may call it Unconditional. Some may call it Love.

Simply that. Love. Unconditional Love.

When you Love, because there is no reason, other than Love.

I bow down graciously with respect to Pablo Neruda.

One of the poets whose words, have always found a way of touching my heart.

When I read his poetry, it makes we wish I spoke Spanish.

Simply so I could feel and touch the words, the way he wrote them from his own heart.

Much Loves,

The night walked down the sky with the moon in her hand.
~Frederic Lawrence Knowles?


half of our body is illuminated, and half of our body is in dark shadow.
this is the natural balance of things. it cant be all light. not yet. so the
best we can do is be ok with the shadow... sometimes the shadow is
loneliness. sometimes it is sorrow. sometimes it is disagreement. & on
the worst days, it is a monster inside that we didnt know we could be.
oh! how we think we should be so much better than we are by now!?
and the tricky thing about shadow is... the more we think about it, the
more it gobbles up the light. and we swirl in fear & guilt & confusion.
yesterday my shadow was in the form of a heron.. it sat on the edge of
water & spied me. i had to face my heron but i didnt have the strength.
thats when i fell in a deep sleep on my pillows. my legs became a tree
trunk and my body was as heavy as an elephant. i stayed very still...
i wanted to ascend into pure love and light... but i was way too afraid.
thats when it happened. thats when i was moon-cooled... a light fairy
took me to the moon & i rested in the place where the shadow meets
the light. i stayed there for some time just waiting. then she began to
pour light blue sand over the top of me. it fell down in cold powdery
waves until i was covered in a cone of sea-blue sand. i stayed there
in my tipi where it was cool. dwelling in peace. in a cone of neutrality.
until i could move again... when i got up, the inside of me was steady
and my arms were light. i sat up on the edge of my nest and blinked.
i had found moon-cooled neutrality & it was a simple weapon to grasp.
i looked at the heron right in the eye and did not feel one single thing.

The Writer Lives... a story "Through The Secret Keyhole

It's been ages since I lasted posted, but for good reason.

Do you ever feel "bloggers guilt" after not posting as you regularly do? I had felt that a lot lately and decided that I needed to take a break and let that go. Blogging is supposed to be something fun - not a chore you must keep up on. Thus, I decided I would post whenever I wanted and not worry about some silly schedule. Our whole lives are scheduled down to the last minute (at least mine is) so why should this be? Blogging seems to fit seamlessly into some blogger's lives, but not mine.

The Writer Lives

......and here is a little story for all of you, 

Through The Secret Keyhole

She never dreamed she would grow old.

She felt young even today.

And in her heart of hearts, she certainly was.

She sat pondering this in that great big old house, that once was a home to everyone in her family...

Now, she lived in it alone.

Well, actually...

Everyone in the small village thought she was alone.

But, she wasn't.

She still skipped about, as if she were a girl of 12 -

And would run through the open pasture out back, and into the woods to her secret hiding place...

Everything felt to her, as cozy as cozy could be.

As beautiful as beautiful could be.

At night, when it was time for bed, someone else led the way up the rickety staircase...

And never ever did she feel alone.

Not even for a day.

It is deep in the night

It is deep in the night when I wake up from a deep sleep for no reason, that the fears come.
They come fast and they come hard.
It is deep in the night when I worry about everything I tell me myself during the day will be alright.
It is deep in the night when every pain in my body feels ten times worse then it is.
It is deep in the night when I think that pain is something more serious then it is.
It is deep in the night when I think of my own mortality.
It is deep in the night when I feel oh so scared, so frightened of what is to come.
It is deep in the night when I think where is the strength going to come from to get me through something else.
It is deep in the night when I think what else could happen or go wrong.
It is deep in the night when I miss those who are gone the most.
 It is deep in the night when I so desperately need to hear another human voice.
It is deep in the night when I feel just how alone I am in this world.
It is deep in the night when I think I just can't go on anymore.
It is deep in the night when I miss the how it feels to be held.
It is deep in the night when I need to be loved and made love to
It is deep in the night when I need to love someone and make love to
It is deep in the night when I miss someone saying to me "I need you"
It is deep in the night when I miss someone saying to me "I love you"
It is deep in the night when I cry now
It is deep in the night when I wish someone could hear me cry and reach out to me and say "everything will be alright"
It is deep in the night when I wonder if everything will ever be alright again.
It is deep in the night when I face all of these fears and more.  I face them head on.  I let them wash over me.
It is deep in the night when I embrace these fears.
It is deep in the night when I let these fears know they have no hold over me.  Not now.
But it is deep in the night that I let them come.  That I give them room to breathe.  For if they stay locked up they will become too powerful.  And I won't give them that power.
It is deep in the night.
And the deep of the night is just the hours between night and day.

I Have a Confession

I have a confession


Some of you may already know, some of you may have guessed, some of you it would have never crossed your mind.  I do not put it out there for all to see.  I have respect for other points of view.  Please respect mine.  I do not talk publicly about it but I will talk privately if you have questions.  But I will not talk to you if all you have to say is inflammatory remarks.  But as the time passes, the days move on I must be true to who I am and so I share this because like everything else it is time.


I am what you would call a green witch or earth witch ( my magic is of the earth and plants ) even my body feels the slight changes of the winds and trees ..As i walk in the woods i feel the pulse of life so very strong ( if you just stop and listen you can here the tree spirits whisper ) i always walk before i paint as to open my third eye to all things ......................bright Blessings on the day to all 

My Dearest Raymond

My Dearest Raymond

It is time to write these words to you
In the silence I can hear you calling my name like a lark in the meadow.
In the evening shadows I feel your presence so close standing next to me/
In the deep night of sighs I can hear the sound of beating wings as you watch over me.
In these fleeting moments you are still here with me.  I am not alone anymore.
In these shadowy moments I cry and you hold me.  And I love you once more.
In these days when I feel so alone, so frightened, you come to me and say ' I am still here with you.'
In these  moments only you and the pillow I cry in know that if I could be with you I would.
I am caught between the veils of the worlds.....stay in the shadows with you or move forward into a new life.
I am betwixed and between
For there are days when I am so lonely, your memory rises to the surface and I just want to stay there forever.
Friends think I am no longer sad.  I hide the sadness much better now.  The sadness is still there.
All I ever wanted was to grow old with you.  You always said we would not.  You were right.  We will not grow old together. How did you know? I am the one who knows things, sees things, but this, this one thing was veiled to me.
There are days when I have lost all hope.  There are days that I just don't want get up out of bed. There are days that I miss you so much. Those are not so close to together as they once were, but I still have them.
I find the weekends the hardest.  They were the days we did everything together...road trips, shopping, you letting me sing off-key and not complain, dancing with me when you don't like to dance, messing with your HAM radios seeing how far we can reach and in what language, going to the zoo because I wanted to see the big cats,  me asking you hundred of questions about nothing and you patiently answering my questions. I have so many more questions about nothing, but no one to ask them to.  I really, really never thought I would be so alone right now.Never.
I miss you very much.

I loved you and I love you
The one you left behind
Your wife
Jan
'

My Opinion on Banning Books

It is not often that I talk about my opinions in regards to causes that people believe in, but what happened over the weekend kind of sets me seething.  Let me state first, that I am a firm believer in everybody’s right to stand up for their opinions and rights.  However, when someone tells me that I have no right to read something or have it carried in my local library because of the content of the books, then I get upset.  Then to come to my door and want me to sign a petition to ban some books from the local library, and when I politely refused to sign, and when pushed for the reason why I won’t sign, and I stated that I do not believe in banning books, to call me a non-Christian, immoral person goes beyond anything decent.

I do no believe in banning books.  I may not agree with, or like some books, but I will not go along with keeping them out of the library.  I am capable of making my own decision, my own choice as to whether to read it or not.  It it offends me, I’m not going to pick it up and read just because it’s there. And if it is to keep it out of the hands of children, you as a parent, as an adult, should be aware of what your children read (go with them to the library/bookstore) or watch (know in advance what’s on the television when your child is watching) and make that choice for them and them alone, not for everyone else.  To totally remove them from the shelves so no one else can make read them, denies that choice, that decision to others.  That is just wrong to me.

Teach your children your values and what you believe in so that they can and will eventually make their own smart choices about what to read or not to read. To take that choice away from the rest of us is not, what I think, our society should be about it.  And then to be offended because someone doesn’t believe in your cause, really come on now.

I do not believe in banning books.  No matter what the content.  We all have the right to choose whether we read it or not.  If not, you go on about your business.  If yes, then it is there for you to read.  In a place that offers all knowledge to everyone, the public library.

Personally I think what bothers a lot of people, and this is just my opinion, knowledge.  Knowledge is the keys to the kingdom.  Knowledge is freedom.  Some people do not like others having such freedom.  They’d rather have them unknowledgeable, uneducated, non free thinking  automatons.   But that’s just my opinion.  And everybody has the right to their own opions.

What I Learned this Week (To Be More Brazen)

This week was filled with lessons learned.

I am a quiet person by nature.  I sit back and observe for a bit and then gradually build up to be a part of the group or conversation.  This may have cost me dearly.  This part of who I am may have cost me an opportunity to know someone that I truly wanted to find out who they were.  An opportunity to see where, if anywhere knowing this person might lead.  I have never regretted anything in my life that I have done.  But this, this possible missed opportunity will be one that I will regret.  This being the most serious lesson learned this week. 

The others are small things.  Nothing important as the first lesson, but things I've learned about myself.

I need to be more brazen.  I need to step up and ask for, work for, seek out the things I want or need in my life. Or would like to have in my life.

I need to spend more time out in nature.  I come alive when I am out in nature.  I feel free.

I prefer small intimate dinner parties rather than going out to a bar.  I prefer a select few friends, diverse friends, so the conversation can be informative and lively, good food, and a good bottle of wine.

It's ok to cry when a wisp of a memory comes floating in out of nowhere.

This week was crammed with lessons.  I really hope next week won't have quite so many.

50 Shades of Gray (Erotic Fiction)

My whole office is reading and talking about this book, "50 Shades of Gray" by  E L James. It's the  New York Times #1 bestselling erotic fiction paperback and e-book. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of BDSM.  I now have a copy of this book and I am looking forward to reading it.  Not sure if it is my cup of tea, but....I have to know what all the fuss is about.......just being curious

Nature

Dear one,

Sometimes it's hard, isn't it? to see the beauty in things. Especially when things are collapsing, the soil is dry as bones, the cars zoomzoomzoom and make hovering black clouds that stick in our throats. How can we see beauty in skyscrapers and concrete? It was never meant to be this way. My heart aches for green grass and rainbows and fresh air. My body aches to be pure and healthy and taste fresh food instead of boxed and bagged. My spirit reaches out to a sky that has no tears, no refreshing and cleansing rain. What have we done, dear one? And how do we get it back?

The "Sometimes" Moments

Sometimes moments....the moments in my life when I wish things were different. 
Sometime I am so tired of being "the strong one".
Sometimes I want someone else to come home to other than myself.
Sometimes I want to cook for two not one.
Sometimes I want to spend a quiet evening with someone.
Sometimes I want to go out on a date.
Sometimes I want to make love to someone
Sometimes I want someone to make love to me
Sometimes I want someone to talk to
Sometimes I just want to go out with people because they just want to be with me, not because they think they are doing me a favor by getting me out of the house/
Sometimes I just want someone to spend time with
Sometimes I am so tired of being tired
Sometimes I want someone to take care of
Sometimes I want someone to take care of me
Sometimes I just want to hold someone's hand
Sometimes I just want to be held
Sometimes I want a lot of people around me
Sometimes I want what others have....a husband, a home, a family
Sometimes I wish I were stronger
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night
Sometimes I wish I could sleep through the night in someone's arms
Sometimes I wish I could just get away for a few days
Sometimes I just want to keep company with someone
Sometimes I wish I felt better than I do
Sometimes I wish I wasn't quite as old as I am
Sometimes I wish things were different.
Sometimes....................

My theme song

This is my new theme song........I know what I want, and I will go after it with all my heart and soul......I may not get what I want but at least I gave it a try......better to have tried for it then done nothing at all.....

this tightly stiched doll

this tightly stitched doll is coming apart at the seams, the cotton candy insides seep through the marionette strings. its carcass melts into the carpet, ribcage making concrete stalactites along the basement ceiling. itchy, twitchy butterfly wings escape the belly and float through the corridors. her blood seeps ruby waterfalls down the wallpaper and drip drips onto the floor. the house aches with her ragged breaths. tendon weeds crawl into floorboards and dancing spiders creep over windowpanes, their dusty eyelash cobwebs tangle in corners. shadows lurk behind shut doors; the shadows she's terrified of.

this poor insomniac doll.

she is tired and must rest.

the ghosts

the cheshire cat whispers to the shadows, its moon breath creeps through cracks in doors,
tip-toes across wooden floors, and dances across your sleeping face,
tangling its spider legs in your unruly hair.
i sleepwalk through the dark hallways, running my fingertips over the chipped walls,
mumbling a forgotten tune.
the ghosts with sharp teeth and bleeding eyes float along the floor, grabbing at my fractured ankles,
hoping for me to lose my footing and sink ever deeper into their sinister imprisonments,
where they will suck my blood and sew buttons into my eyes.

the water's edge

when i walk along the water, that's when i find that place i so desperately, want to call home. maybe it's that i fall under the zodiac water sign scorpio. who knows. maybe it's because when i come home to the water, i take photographs with my heart, and not only my eyes.

i believe the water is that calming, funky, place of solitude that takes me by the hand, and says, come on in, rest, relax your bones, or dance your ass off, if the mood hits you. : )

“women need solitude in order to find again the true essence of themselves.” ― anne morrow lindbergh, gift from the sea

xoxo

Child of the Ocean

i'm not comfortable in my skin.
this pale, itchy afghan that hangs awkwardly across my delicate bones
..those fairy-dusted branches..
like wispy drapes weighed down with ashes.

opal seashell stacks make staircases up my back.
inside their hollows, ghosts whisper, making waves with their lips.
maybe if you listen carefully, swollen breaths tight in your chests,
you may hear the ocean calling for its child.

the one with the pools of cracked ice;
almond skin ribbons; lobster claw lips; flushed cheeks; fish bones.
the one with waves under her surface; a hidden tsunami.
the one with wild dreams and a fluttering dolphin heart.

Who I Am

This is just a continuation of my original post "My Story"  There are just few more things that I need to put down on "paper".  I am not an easy person to get to know.  I am not an easy person to live with.  I am an emotional creature.  I tend to wear my emotions on the outside.  They sometimes get away with themselves. I get mad.  Yes.  I cry at commercials.  Yes.  I feel others pain.  Yes.  If I walks away from you when I am mad, that's a good thing.  Give me some time to think things through and all will be well.  Follow me and keep arguing.  All will not be well.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  Very emphaticaly yes.  Just let me cry.  They won't last long.  The last one, that one is harder.  Harder to understand.  Harder to deal with.  I just feel things very deeply.  A gift and a curse I guess.

I am a shy person.  I have difficulty starting a conversation.  I sit and observe. I don't say much.  It's because I don't have anything to say.  It's just very difficult for me to get the words out. Not until you get to know me.  Not until I let you in.  But, I have a tendency not to let anyone in.  The ones I have let in, well, there special,  they've seen past my defenses, they've seen the real me.  They took the time to look past those defenses.

Physically, you know most of my history.  Leukemia, chemo therapy, etc.  But what a lot of people don't know is that I am a diabetic also.  Have been for awhile.  Yes I do take insulin shots.  I do everything I am suppose to do.  It's just a part of who I am now.  What I have been dealing with lately is the diagnosis of CHF, congestive heart failure.  Again, under control, for know, manageable.  I still walk, hike (althought slower), yoga, dance.  I try to avoid stairs, that one is more difficult.  But I still live an active, normal life.  I don't let any of this get in my way of living.

I am 54-years old, I think I have survived pretty well.  A lot of people, when they find out my age, do not think I am  as old as I say.  I like that.  What gray hair I have (and I do have some) really looks like very light blond streaks in my hair.  I have to watch my weight.  But here recently instead of trying not gain weight when I was younger, I have to watch that I don't lose a lot a weight at one time.  Go figure.

For the last few years, stress has been a big part of my life.  It has not helped any of the above things I just talked about.  I've had to learn to deal with this.  And learn it very fast.  But things are beginning to get better.  I am happy.  I haven't been happy for awhile.  I have everything I need.  One or two things I would like to have in my life.....someday maybe.  But for the most part life is good.  This is just a little bit of who I am.  I am much more than this.  But for now this is all that I will write.

Dear Mom

Happy Mother's Day mom.  I miss you so very much.  There is much that I wish to tell you.  So many things that have happened.  I still, on occasion, reach for the phone to call you....and then remember, you're not here.

Today, though, I've been thinking about when I was a child.  Do you remember sitting on the summer porch and brushing my long hair, trying to ge the tangles out of it.  You always wanted me to either cut it off, or put it up in a pony tail when I played outside.  I couldn't stand either.  I wanted it loose and long.  And so we would spend what seemed like hours untangling my hair at the end of the day.

I miss the Sunday mornings, when you and Daddy would dance to the music on the record player while Grandma made breakfast.  I loved watching you and Daddy dance.

I miss all of our long talks about nothing in paticular.  I miss our Saturday shopping trips.  I miss your potato salad and chocolate cake.  I just miss you.

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about you.  But today is Mother's Day.  It's your day.  And I wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's Day.  Thank you for being my mom.  Thank you for being there when I needed you. 

I love you Mom.

Your Daughter
Jan

Sleepless Nights

For just about a week now, I have gotten very little sleep.  My mind just races with thoughts.  I am up and down all night.  In this past week I have filled a notebook with writing and sketches and drawings.  And to me, none of it makes sense.  I cannot figure out what my mind is trying to tell me.  In the deep of the night I sometime feel like I want to scream.  But I don't.  It all comes out in the notebook.  I guess you could say I am screaming on paper.

I know that I am going through a lot right now, I've written about it the other day.....My Story.  I worry about that.  I know that that will bring change to my life.  But this, this is different.  This is a change that's coming.  A big change, not sure if it life-altering, but it feels big.  I've been through just one or two of these life-altering big changes.  I've always had someone there with me when they came. 

With this change, if that is what it is, this change scares me.  I have to go through it alone.  I can face just about anything, but right now, I feel very small, very defenseless, and ......and curious......is this a good change or a bad change.  Do I have the strength to go through it if is bad.  This time, will I not survive the struggles.  Or.....or the struggles and storms of the past finally over......I don't know.....I am usually a patient person......but now,  now my patience has got me on edge......let's just get it over with fate.....I'm so darn exhausted......I just want to move forward.....not backward.....not stay in the same place......just ......I'm so tired........

Music is my Therapy

I don't know about anyone else...but I have learned in my 50 some years that music is my true therapy. Have you ever noticed how you can be down and out and then turn on one of your favorite songs and your mood instantly will shift?? It is amazing to me what music can do for the soul. I probably drive my husband and kids crazy with the fact that I have music on nearly 24-7...or at least during my waking hours! I go through phases of the type of music I listen to...but find that I am pretty versatile.  Loreena McKennitt is my favorite of favorites.  Here are a few for your enjoyment.......

It's Time......This is My Story

Everyone has a story.  Everyone.  This is my story.  I do not want sympathy.  Or "I feel so sorry for you"  That is not the reason why I am telling this.  I won't accept them.  It's just the way it is.  Just the way the cards were dealt.  And I damn well won't listen to or accept, "you should have known better", "why did you let go on so long".  The telling of this is for me.  Me only.  So I can move on.  Now.

Right this very moment, I am at rock bottom.  I am at the bottom of the ironing basket looking up.  Because of a ten year marriage I let go on for far too long, and then the death of my husband just two years ago.  I am, first off, in financial ruin.  Medical bills and the IRS.  I am in the process of declaring bankruptcy.  At the same time, I am trying to pay off the debt to the IRS.  In six months, I hope, the bankruptcy will be done and over with, and I then can move on, move away, do something.  I'll still be paying the IRS, but I can live with that. 

What's the wors that can happen now.  I can find that I still don't have enough to pay rent, utilities, food, etc.  In that case, a major move will be needed.  To live with my brother for a spell.  As I write this, if that is the worst that can happen right now, I can live with it.

If fate throws in the twist of becoming ill again.  I'm not sure what I will do.  But I can live with it.  This is more of a concern to me than anything else.  You see, and not many people know this,  I have been extremely ill, twice.  Twice I almost died.  Twice I survived.  Would I even get a third chance.

I was twenty-five the first time.  I was diagnosed with Leukemia (some very long words come before that that I am not going to attempt).  I went in to the emergency room, bleeding profusely. I had lost so much blood that the Dr's told my parents, that they did not think that I would make it through the night.  That they should call the family to come to the hospital.  I was in the ICU five days.  On the sixth day, they told us what was wrong and transferred me to KU Med Ctr.  There I spent, one whole year in the hospital.  One whole year.  In isolation.  The chemo drugs they gave me.  Were strong,  Very strong they said.  Some even experimental.  They weren't sure they would work.  I was a very sick girl they told me.  And because of these drugs. and the length that I was on them - one year- they told me, if I survived, I would never be able to have children.  I survived.  I could not have children.  But to me that was not the end of the world.  I survived, that's all that mattered.

It was a slow recovery.  So much chemo has left my immune system not very good.  At first, I caught every cold, flu, everything.  But slowly it built back up.  It is not near what it should be, and I still have to take care about colds and flu.- they will knock me flat.  Once I reached the ten year mark,  I thought, this good.  I really am going to make it.  I really am a survivor.

It was at age thirty-five when I really took up the camera and the paintbrush.  Writing was there, but not so prevelent.  I began to, really live my life then.  I was happy, content, secure in my future.

At age forty-four, 9-11-2001,I met my soon-to-be husband.  For the first time, I found someone that I could sit down with and really talk to.  Not the shy mumblings.  But chatter.  About everything.  Anything.  RG had a sharp mind.  And I loved that about him.  He liked being outdoors.  I liked being outdoors.  He loved animals.  I loved animals.  He was into math, science, engineering.  I was into art, histoy and music.  So many things that seemed to fit together.  By November I had moved in with him.  By December 15, 2001 we were married.  Whirwind romance.  Yes.  Would I do anything different. No.

The fist five years were the best.  The last five years.  Not so good.  In the six year of our marriage he lost his job.  From that day forward, I was. on many occations, the sole provider in our household.  He worked here and there.  But never a steady job.  It was left soley up to me to make ends meet.  To pay bills.  Put food on the table.  Keep a roof over our head.  At this point in our marriage,  he became emotionally and mentally abusive.  He kept telling me over and over again that I wasn't doing enough.  I need to work two jobs, three jobs.  All the while at the job I had, I was working 10 hour days, 5 days a week. He just shut down, completely.  He would not discuss anything with me.  This is really a gloss over of what I endured on a day to day basis for five years. I really can't not write everything, it is too painful, I find to put into words.  Why did I stay?  Because I thought things would get better.  And at time they did.  And then they would take a turn for the worse again.  But I kept hoping.  I kept praying.

Through all of this I kept worrying, and overworking, and worrying until I finally realized I was making myself physically sick.  I just didn't know how sick.  The summer of 2009 I had decided to pack up and leave.  We argued for days about it.  Months. The emotional abuse, verbal abuse increased. I could not take anymore.The man never raised a hand to me.  He did, at the end, when all we did was argue, reach and grab my arm so tight that it left bruises.  I walked out that night, October 2009.  And moved in with my parents.  I washed my hands of him.  And our life together.  I could not take it anymore.

But fate had other plans.  Just after I moved in with my parents, my mother passed away, November 2009. That left me to take care of my father, who was blind, diabetic. and had a pacemaker.  I was dealing with the loss of my mother and trying to take care of my father and trying to work.  I becoming ill but trying not give in to it..  At Christmas 2009, my car complete broke down.  And my father, at that time, was getting sicker and spending quite a bit of time in the hospital.  I need help.  And I needed it fast.  This is when RG stepped in.  We made a deal.  He needed a place to stay.  And I needed help.  I needed to work.  But someone needed to be there with my father.  RG moved in with us.  He was there for my father and we had a vehicle to get around in.  At the time it worked.  I don't know what I would have done otherwise.

But we still clashed.  Still argued.  I looked forward each day to getting out of the house and going to work.  Just so I could find peace from all the tension.  But through all of this I was not taking care of myself.  I was getting sicker and not realizing it.

April, 2010.  I became so ill, I ended up in the emergency room.  I had acute renal failure.  I was placed in the acute care ward, where I got round the clock treatment.  They were not sure if I would come back from this.  My kidneys had not completely shut down yet.  But they were close.  Round the clock meds.  For one week.  With the meds, things started to improve.  But I was again close to not making.  So close that my brother was on standby at work in case he had to leave suddenly.  So close that RG had my father prepared for the worse.  And ready to bring him, wheel chair and all to the hospital.  But here I am.  I again survived.

I will, at this point say, that at this time it was not all doom and gloom.  There was a time of delicious happiness here too.  So don't be all sad.  I did have a chance to see some happiness too, Out of deep respect and an even deeper love for this person, I will not tell this part of the story.  The only reason I can give for not putting down here is that - it is mine and no one else's.  When I stand in front of St Peter and he asks why, then and only then will I tell this story.

July, 2010 my father passed away.  And yes I still let RG stay with me.  All of these things, one right after the other, I just wasn't strong enough to fight anymore.  We lived separate lives.  We had been for some time.  I just didn't have the strength to fight, to argue, to figure out a solutio.

October, 2010 RG passed away from a massive blood clot to the brain that caused a stroke.  He has the stroke on Saturday.  By Tuesday, I had to make the decision to turn off the ventilator.  I still struggle with that even today.

And in the end I am left fighting medical bills, IRS, etc.  Everything I ever saved was used to keep us afloat all those years ago.  I had to sell most of my camera equipment to help pay for his cremation.  There are days when my strength is not there.  There are days when I think will I ever see and end to this.  There are days when I am just numb and have no feelings.  But I have survived.  And I am moving forward.  Slowly, ever so slowly, but I am moving forward.

This is my story - my story of the last ten years.  I just needed to tell this.  I needed to tell this so I can move forward.

Ramblings of a frightened little girl......

Today has been a contemplative day for me.  For the first time, I really have to admit to myself, that I am frightened.  I am unsure of what the future holds.  And this scares me to death.  There are days when I know exactly what I am doing and where I am going.  And then there are days like today.  Many days like today than I care to count. Scared and unsure.  Wandering in a world that  somehow doesn't fit anymore.  I cannot see what lies ahead because of the mist that has descended over me.  I have no sense of direction.  No star to guide me.  No landmarks to steer by.

And I know I feel this way all because of words.   Just words.  Words that people say, and yet they do not know how these words make me feel.  They might be words of friendship, comfort....but yet they cause me pain.  They bring back memories.   Memories of many things.  Many people.

I have good memories.  And I have bittersweet memories.  But I wish those memories would not come rushing all at once at me.  Memories of what was once,  what could have been, what should have been.  I am finished with the past.  But the past is not finished with me.  The more I try to move forward, the more it reahes out to me with chains of tears and frustrations.  Restraining my movements.  Making me relive past pains, losses, mistakes and what might have beens.

I cry.  I write.  I put steel down my back to withstand these memories.  And when I think I am free....all it takes is well placed kind word from someone.....and there it is....the key that unlocks the door I so carefully closed.....and everything I tried to find a place for comes spinning out at me.

And for now, I let these words and these memories come crashing at me from all sides.  It's all I can do.  And I wait.  I wait for the right words.  The words that will set me free.  Lift me up.  Give me hope.  Give me love.  I await these words breathlessly.  Anxiously.  For with these words will come new life and new memories.

For now...I am just a frightened little girl......

Dear God

Dear God

I know I am not to understand your ways, but there are times when you know I have to question.....why?
What more is there that I need to go through?  Why?  When can I be myself again?  When can I be happy?
I go where you send me.  I help who you want me to help. Are you sending someone to help me?  You've taught me that I can handle the big problems. You've thrown everything at me, and some of it all at one time.  I've been near death, twice.  And yet, you keep sending more.  Just when I think I can move forward.  Just when I think happiness is around the corner.  When you let me glimpse a glimmer of what could be (or that I hope could be) you take it away,  It's like some cruel joke.  Give her just a taste of happiness and then...poof, gone.....tis not for you.  I can face sickness, death, dying and all the other major disasters you send my way.  I know I can.  I have done it.  But, I can't stand this pulling my heart in a million different directions.  I know I will survive.  I have that much faith.  But , oh at what cost.  What is the price I have to pay?  I never, ever ask of You anything for me.  Always for others.  But, now, right now, I have to ask for myself....please stop sending my heart into a million tiny pieces of glass.  The wounds are deep.  The scars won't heal.  I just want to hear the birds sing,  smell the flowers on a hot summer day. and love....and be loved.

your humble child

A Change is Coming

A change is coming.  I can feel it in my bones.  You know that feeling.  When so many things are happening in your life all at one time, one right after the other.  You just know.  Life is preparing a change for you.  This time, I hope it is a good one.  I am really ready for a change.  A major shake up, if you will.  I have been dealing with do many things and issues since the passing of  my parents.  My dad worked for the government, so that takes time and paperwork to deal with his benefits.  Making sure everything that could get paid (nursing home, etc) out of those funds got paid.  Also the passing of my husband, at the same time and has left me....well...let's just say....not myself, confused, angry, sad....all of that all at the same time.  Plus some financial issues there too. 

Things right now seem to be slowly working their way to a conclusion.  Amd I think when that conclusion finally arrives, I'll be ready for whatever comes next.  Whatever change comes into my life at that time.  Whether it happens to be a town to live in, A new job. Or the same town I'm in witht he same job. But peace in my life....I'm ready.  I'm ready for some kind of change.  This time I will meet it with arms wide open.

tapping into my wise self

i have decided to list words that sum up bits and pieces of myself and this journey that i am on to find me

awakening

stirring

emerge

moving

seeker

community

comfort

safety

student

fire

grounded

warmth

white elephant

sacred

exquisite

connection

marinate

spirit

owl

kindreds

circle

lifting up

holding space

blackbird

knowing

letting go

leaning in

making a difference

digesting

evolve

sharing

wisdom

gratitude

cleansing

blessed

today is good enough

hello there my friends. it's been quiet around here. and really, that is such a good thing. i have started fitting meditation into my life again. it's personal, one on one. i kind of love it, it makes me feel whole again. the moments, the silence, the time alone with my thoughts, it brings me back to a feeling of home.

these last weeks have been filled with challenges and set backs. i must say the set backs are worth it, if there is learning along the way. let me say this for the record - anxiety is a m.f !


"your going to be just fine". i think i am a positive person by nature, and i have realized, i am most drawn to people who have found a way, during the ups and downs. it seems like there are some beautiful souls, that just fold and tuck their heartache beside their hearts- only to unfold and untuck, when feeling that sharing their stories, may help another. so many people have done that for me. i hope to be that person for someone, someday. ... to outstretch my arms, hand palmfuls of words or silence, that comfort or cause laughter, at times these offerings are needed most. i think, maybe, i might have done this at times in my life. that is an important thing to me, to be there for others, show kindness first. i am so grateful for those, who have taken time with me, served me warm bowls of patience and understanding, listening while i laugh, or cry, shake like a leaf, and at times, be the bravest leader, i know how to be.

it's alright to be afraid of the unknown

fear sucks! i'm all like, fear you didn't get an invite to the party, so why are you here?! lol

handwritten letters are a beautiful form of art

an old friend is just what the heart needs at times

family is the most important thing in the world

today is...

another yummy round of homemade granola

leftovers for dinner

slow

slow

today is good enough. : )

i send you love and tenderness... by the palmfuls.

wink.

xo

A boy asked a wise man: what is true love??


He said: go to the garden and find me one of the most beautiful flowers.

The boy went and came back empty handed,

the Man asked: did you find it??

The boy replied: I found a beautiful flower but ...I continued to search hoping to find a more beautiful flower,

but then realized i ignored the best one,

and when I went back to get I didn't find it

Then said the man: that is true love,

you don't value it when it's right in font of you,

but you know how much it's worth when you lose it
 

Am I Ever Going to Come Back to Being Me

When does it get better?  When can I move forward?  How long can I be in mourning?  November 2009, my mother passed away.  June 2010 my father passed away.  October 2010 my husband passed away.  When will I stop crying?  When will I be able to do things we once did, go places we once went without falling apart?  The grief counselor says that everyone grieves in their own way in their own time.  But I am not living.  I am just existing right now.  And it is hard.  I have become such a recluse and such a bitch.  I take it out on everyone around me.  I believe I even lost the friendship of someone that mattered to me, because I am such a moody, bitchy person right now.  And on top of all this, I am dealing with a serious illness of my own.  I just want to know how long will this last?  Where did I, me, go?  When is she coming back?  Is she ever going to come back?

I never got to say good-bye

I wish you were here with me right now.  I really miss you.  And all these battery of tests that the doctors want me to go through.  I am scared.  It is so hard to go through them alone.  I'm not that strong.   You know RG, you wouldn't recognize me now.  I don't eat and I don't sleep.  I've lost so much weight the doctors are wanting me to put on some weight now.  Even my brother is concerned.  He's talked to me about moving down to Warrensburg to be closer to him.  I have thought about it, but everything is familiar up here on the one hand.  And on the other everything reminds of you.  I think I was doing ok until these tests that they want done.  But you know me I worry about everything/  And now with you not here I worry even more.  Having to go through this all by myself.  I don't know if I can.  I think, RG, the hardest thing for me is I never got to say good-bye.  One day you're here and the next you're gone..  Never getting to talk to you and having to make those decisions I never wanted to make has been the hardest thing for me to live with.  I struggle with this every day.
I do miss you so.  I really could use a hug right now sweet pea.  I could really use some of that practical sense of yours. I really need some of your love.....I miss you so much.

Am I Blue

I really am very tired of this emotional roller coaster ride I am on.  I'm tired of the emotional pain as well as the physical pain.   I am me the eight and half hours I'm at work.  But the rest of the time,  I completely shut down. I just go through the motions.  Like a robot.  I don't eat.  I don't sleep.  I don't see anyone.  I don't talk to anyone.  I am just so mentally and physically drained.  This post, if you will forgive me,  is just a rant,  a whine if  you will.  I put the walls up so nobody sees this side of me.  But every once in awhile I have to let it out.  This is my only form of "letting it out"

Ahhhh it has just been a bad couple of days...no more than a couple days....more like several weeks now.

I have the blues.  And I've got it bad.

I am absolutely certain that…

…my mind is the most powerful place on earth. Beautiful and dangerous.
…love is enough. Any amount of love is enough.
…I’m the best dancer in this room.
…I am loved.
…I will still feel like this tomorrow.
…you will be rich and you will be poor. You will like rich better.
…life may not be as great as  they say, but it isn’t bad.
…love is the meaning of life.
…I will meet the love of my life. I will!
…just for today, I will not be angry, I will not worry, I will be grateful, I will do my work honestly, I will be kind to every living thing.
…I will change my mind tomorrow.
…what we are to be we are now becoming.
…I will have to file my taxes this year.
…love is easier to find if you create it yourself.
…in the end, we thrash around to say we tried, not to affect the outcome.
…thanking people, especially the ones closest to us, whose kindness we feel entitled to, is one of the most important things we can do.
…I have something new to say. I just don’ t know what it is yet.
…I will survive this.

Rose Red

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

I wil marry at thy will sire 

At thy will 

A thousand years gone by 

Too late to wonder why 

I'm here alone 

If in my darkest hour 

She rose that fell a flower 

I should have known 

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

Only if you can capture me 

CHORUS 

Tell me no more stories 

And I'll tell you no lies 

No one wants to hurt me 

But everybody tries 

And if you think that I've been waiting 

For my planets to align 

It's Time you go on 

Get your things, get up, get out 

I'n doing fine, yeah yeah 

Someday these walls will speak 

The floors beneath you creek 

To call my name 

Here in my web of dreams 

My whispers turn to screams 

And place the blame 

Rose Rose Rose Red 

Will I ever see thee wed 

Only if you discover me 

CHORUS 

For this freedom 

I have given all I had 

For this darkness 

I gave my light 

For this wisdom 

I have lost my innocence 

Take my petals 

And cover me with the night 

I Feek Lost

I feel lost.


The sands of time whispering through my fingertips.
A heart being crammed through a paper shredder.
Heavy eyelids that refuse to completely drain their tear basins.

I feel lost.

I need someone, anyone, to help me find my way back home.
Follow the saltwater trail, through the woods, to the house made of candy,
where I'm being eaten alive, and bring me home.

I am eternally, devastatingly romantic, and I thought
people would see it because 'romantic' doesn't mean
sugary.  It's dark and tormented - the furor of passion, the despair of an idealism that you can't attain.


 ~ Catherine Breillat

Baby Face

Baby Face,
You've got the cutest little baby face

There's not another who can take your place,

Baby Face,
My heart, poor heart is thumpin'
You sure have started somethin',

Baby Face,
I'm up in heaven
When I'm in your fond embrace

Well I need a shove
Because I'm in love
With my pretty Baby face,

The Voice, Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston, an incredible voice, silenced here on earth.

But, oh my, in heaven right now, the choir , oh my the choir is singing......

This is my favorite song, I can listen to this over and over and over.

The hardest part of being alone......

The hardest part of being alone.....
when you really need someone to talk to, there's nobody around. 
when you are feeling so down, there is nobody to give you a hand up.
when you feel so lost, there is nobody to shine a light on the trail
when you just want to feel someone touching your hand, there's nobody there to hold it.
when you want to hear the sound of another voice, there's nobody there but silence
the hardest part of being alone........
there's nobody there.

Simple Gifts

"I am beginning to learn that it is the sweet, simple things of life

which are the real ones after all."

~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Here are just a few of the many gifts for which I am grateful:

~taking a deep breath~

~beginning~

~knowing that my camera is by my side and ready~

~becoming so lost in revising a poem

that time ceases to exist~

~taking a walk on a trail I've never followed before~

~discovering an old barn~

~watching a hawk fly by almost near enough to touch~

~stacks and stacks of books~

~a phone call from a friend I miss~

~campfires~

~the way strawberries bring a blush to a bowl of cream~

~the scent of lavender~

~an email out of the blue from a long-lost friend~

~the sound of a cat's purr ~

~cinnamon toast~

~wooden bowls~

~Queen Anne's lace~

~curling up in a quilt with a book and a cup of tea~

~old keys that long ago lost their doors~

~playing Scrabble ~

~the scent of cedar~

~mix & match dishes in a camp kitchen~

~sea-polished stones~

~the candle that's burning on my desk~

~the rain (softer now) that's falling outside my window~

~forgiving~

~being forgiven~

~moving on~

~letting go~

~beginning again~

Simple Days

January is flying by but I wasn't fast enough to jump onto her wing and hitch a ride. I feel I have been left behind and am taking the scenic path. I have been working very slowly. I'm not sure why this is? I think I'm gathering my thoughts and still recharging my creative battery? It's strange as when the new year arrives you want to throw yourself into the fresh new beginning. But the mind is not willing and is telling me it's a journey not a race. So I've been looking.


I've met Jack Frost a couple of times, but this year he has more business elsewhere, not here where I live.


Sky watching. I've done a lot of that. In fact I always do. There is more magic in light than in anything I feel.

January has gifted me with lavender sweets, celandines in bloom, a tear shed or two, falling into heather and the highlands by candlelight via the pages of my book, answering a song thrush that definitely spoke to me! Beautiful new music, browsing in bookshops, sweet incense and warm spicy soup, a meteorite so ancient my mind boggled and of course the prettiest thing of January, snowdrops.


Thus have been my days. Simple days.

In between I've been painting, writinhg, taking photographs.  Many projects on the to do list. And with the muse deciding it's rest time, it's taking longer than anticipated. But, we'll get there. ;)